lonelyboy

2010-11-30T01:43:00.002+08:00

Cry me a river

I really need that ripple back in my life..

It's been more than 7 months now and I know things look so gloomy now, how bleak and disgusting they must be.. I did some mental reflection and it is about time we got really honest with one another.

"We are two immensely broken selves that need to be healed."

Whether you believe it or not, you still have the power to make me feel thrilled and happy when I see you. I still can feel chemistry when i hug you, and those three simple words still mean a lot to me.

I guess what happened between us is a product of implications and assumptions, complicated with past unsettled grievances.

I assumed you weren't a romantic and didn't see much of the things I got you, so I didn't see the point of me doing extra stuff for you. Which continues to be backed up by other 'evidences' like you saying you're not a romantic and how you don't see the point of giving gifts because of the whole flow of money etc.
That's the part I know- the part I didn't know was how much you treasured my gifts and that you'll draw immense strength from it all the time. I didn't know that you actually realised about how close we were to our third album and the notion that you do take great lengths to notice these details.
I'd consider such behaviours as a romantist and very admirable, but i guess i knew too late?

There are so many other misconceptions that I realised I had been having, so many wronged turns we had to take when it was unnecessary in the first place.

I tried making amends and taking efforts to make things work out, but somehow it doesn't turn out fine. It's easy to question one's actions, to attribute blame to another, but how easy is it to face up your mistakes and really acknowledge your error? Instead of questioning one's actions, why not just believe it's real? What makes questioning dangerous is end result of being lost and full of doubt.

I've come to realise how great and happy I was, but blinded by silly and petulant arguments which didn't even need to happen. Feels kind of like Olive in 'Easy A' where one supposedly 'harmless' lie turned out to be a disaster that kept on piling up, and soon over time it doesn't matter what is the truth, because actions override intentions. All that matters in the end is being honest with yourself.

I always thought that my actions would be a testament to my gratitude but it took me long enough to realise that all she wanted was just us being happy side by side.
I assumed the role of a knight, a 'protector' and wanted to be more than what I am. To be whatever she praised other guys, to be better than them, to be a more worthy guy to invest quality time and precious effort in. But I couldn't do so and I felt hurt when she said I was simply trying to be good for my own selfish sake when in reality, I didn't see the praises she had for me and I only saw the hurtful comments. All I wanted was to make her happier but I guess my actions didn't reflect that.

I am suddenly reminded of 'You and I' by Robert McGough.

You And I

I explain quietly. You
hear me shouting. You
try a new tack. I
feel old wounds reopen.

You see both sides. I
see your blinkers. I
am placatory. You
sense a new selfishness.

I am a dove. You
recognize the hawk. You
offer an olive branch. I
feel the thorns.

You bleed. I
see crocodile tears. I
withdraw. You
reel from the impact.

I dug up all the stuff you gave me and I feel so much better inside. Because you're right, it doesn't matter who is wrong or at fault. The fact is we're both sick of arguing with one another and these assumptions and misconceptions we have about one another just makes it worse. I am thankful for all the memories you have graciously supplied me with and I really treasure them.

My recent character has been built on different situations and bad choices. My inconsistencies are founded upon my failure to bring you smiles like how I would with ease in the past. It's like you said, you could look into my eyes and smile to yourself.. I wonder where's that gotten to. These days I could do stupid stuff (that I'm really not proud of and wished I didn't do) on the trains in hopes to see that smile but it does hurt knowing i get 'retarded' and 'lame' as a reply. I know you didn't mean it but I want that smile back, I want to see a really happy Eunice.

I really want to be that guy again. I still listen to kanon songs over and over again for old times' sake. I still read your 'journal' (while I was away in HK) over and over again. I would even re-read my old revision notes not to see my homework, but to see what you've doodled on. When I play Angry Birds, I think of you..

I firmly believe that you are as close to someone based on how intimate you want to be.
I don't need to relive old memories, because I believe we can create better memories.
'Couples fight all the time', 'You and I cannot get along', 'You don't understand my pain' etc. I think these are quotes we have to remove before we can advance.

What do you say? Ready to remove all old negative mindsets we have about one another and embark on new quest with me? Keep the good memories, but learning from our mistakes. After all, it's the end of As and we do have more time for one another now! haha xD

I'll be waiting for you..

2010-10-18T19:46:00.005+08:00

Because You Live

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back, like a wake-up call

I've been looking for the answer, somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help because you live girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky

I'm so glad I found an angel
Someone, who was there when all my hopes fell
I wanna fly looking in your eyes

Today's a really special day for someone.. :)
Hope she'll remember today for as long as it takes.
18 years of age is definitely a day worth of celebrating and rejoicing.

Darling, happy birthday :)

*haha, I know my trite wishes have already failed to be delectable*

A few days ago, we were almost on the brink of collapse, and our relationship was definitely shaky and intermittent, in which our mood swings further aggravated the situation.
After much weighted consideration and self-reflection, I realised my folly and why things turned out so disastrous. We did have grave problems of miscommunication..

Observe.

Said already but Don't listen..
Listen already but Don't Do..
Do already but Do wrongly..
Did wrongly but Don't admit..
Admit already but Don't change..
Changed already but Not satisfied..
Not satisfied but Don't say!

Sounds familiar dear? Haha
Hopefully, we,'ll be able to overcome this issue together and progressively from today onwards, we'll head towards a brighter direction. I'm curious about your birthday wish you made when you blew your cake, but I do hope however, that it doesn't kill the joy in your heart, extinguish the fire in your eyes. Your congenial laughter and lovely smile is always a remedy for my heart's woes.
May your jovial spirit continue to flourish and move closer to maturation as you grow to become a healthier person. :D

Here's my blessing to you :D

I know the As have been a hassle, pushed you up and down, screwed with your mind and toyed with your emotions. But hey, even in pain we ought to be thankful, as long as you believe; miracles will happen. Yes, they will. :D

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
-Romans 5:3-4

It's the final lap now!
Let's go!

2010-09-24T23:15:00.008+08:00

I will follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

Then I'll follow you into the dark

Do you know? That's the feeling I get from you everytime you bring me out of this pathetic misery.. It's as though you are unafraid to walk with me into darkness, be it self-inflicted or not. Your fearless love for me is something I'll remember. Always. :D
Thank you God for giving me such a tolerant and forgiving girl,
And thank you for knocking some sense into me, letting me realise how stupid and ignorant I've been these few days. I didn't fully appreciate your presence, you being there for me. In times of illnesses and in times of embarrassment and awkwardness. Thank you for sharing these precious moments with me.

Haha, remember all the tissues we've used..
When I was sick, you were there.

haha, cui faces!
When I needed support, you were there.

haha, chibi gaylen!! :D
When I was fixing my gundams (even though you don't like them..), you were there.

haha, your fringe was always split.. :D
When I needed a smile, some joy and blithe in my life, you were there.

Thank you, really.
You're bringing a great positive change within me. You don't know how much an impact you've made on me dear (:

Anyways,
Watched 'Devil' today, and it was another M. Night Shyamalan production. And as usual, his shows often have this weird twists and as Eunice strongly suggests, I think he is crazy too. A whacky genius that produce shows with dichotomous and polemical effects, either awesome, or totally thumbs down.
Guess the 'Devil' was a good watch :D It greatly aided in removing tensions before our invective and vituperative ructions before the show.
The film really made us more relaxed compared to before we entered the cinema. I promise k? One day, I'll do whatever you want to do. Instead of just following me around to do what I like. After the movie, we headed out to Daiso, and bought swimming gear and exercising stuff! Both of us agreed to go out and get tanned, get abs back, and lead healthy lives. :D

And because of this, I am proud to say: I finally got my ass into a swimming pool!! I touched water with chlorine after 2 years! :D
It feels so divine to smell a mixture or chlorine and urine well coalesced into your skin. Coupled with the feeling of diving underwater, far away from harsh realities of this world, it is simply- for a lack of a better word, ass-kicking :D
It's been years since I felt water flooding into my ears, and also the feeling of just staying afloat, emptied of all stress and languorous emotions. Simply wonderful. I feel so rejuvenated and revived after so long!
Really happy day for me, though there were mixed and ambivalent emotions throughout..
Someone told me Happiness is a choice, well more like enforcing my words.. But she asked this thought provoking question. "What's your picture of happiness?"
The moment she asked me that, I knew I didn't have an answer. BUT dear,

Now I have the answer.
My picture of happiness is this. This notion of being able to hold your hand and feel loved, I realised I always had happiness in front of my very eyes.
I just stupidly pushed it away, denying myself this opportunity, and not partaking in my share of the happiness we both share together.

I choose happiness.
I choose you.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Thank you God.
Tomorrow will be a better day :)

2010-09-14T22:38:00.003+08:00

All Time Low

Hiding won't hide it
Smiling won't hide it
Like I ain't tried it
Everyone's tried it now
And failed somehow
So when you gonna let me
When you gonna let me out - Out

And if you know
How do you get up from an all time low
I'm in pieces
Seems like peace is
The only thing I'll never know
How do you get up
From an all time low

Can you hear me?
Can't you hear me?

Without a doubt, left with less than 45 days to the much feared and 'anticipated' A levels.. I must be mad, I thought.
Stressed? Yes.
Scared? Definitely.
I like answering my own questions, I realised. Is that a problem? No.
I've been wondering these days, what is the greatest sin? Believing but not acting out? Passive overcoming the active? Or is it the indulgence of the Seven Deadly Sins- inclusive of the subtle, yet deadly Fear..
What constitutes the greater sinner? I'm just saying.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talent

This is the word tightrope. Now imagine
a man, inching across it in the space
between our thoughts. He holds our breath.

There is no word net.

You want him to fall, don't you?
I guessed as much; he teeters but succeeds.
The word applause is written all over him.

-Carol Ann Duffy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lord, I need you.. You see my inner darkness so please,
Cast out my demon..!
If demons were to have an aura, and each aura a different colour..
I know mine would be black. The darkest of them all, the one that sins the most, and always fears..
even himself.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” -Psalms 23:4

.. Are you there?
I'm a lost black sheep filled with sin.
Father.. Will guide me home? I'm sorry.
Will you grant me the faith to move on and allow me to see beyond my narrow, limited 'human' perspectives?

Let me tide through, I beg you...

2010-08-22T19:58:00.003+08:00

By my side

I'm just listening to the clock go ticking,
I am waiting as the time goes by.
I think of you with every breath I take,
I need to feel your heartbeat next to mine.
You're all I see, in everything.

I just wanna hold you,
I just wanna kiss you,
I just wanna love you all my life.
I normally wouldn't say this,
but I just can't contain it.
I want you here forever,
right here by my side.

All the fears you feel inside,
and all the tears you cry,
they're ending right here.
I'll heal your heart and soul;
I'll keep you oh so close.
Don't worry; I'll never let you go.
You're all I need, you're everything.

No one else will ever do.
I got a stubborn heart for you.
Call me crazy, but its true; I love you.
I didn't think that it would be, you have made it clear to me.
You're all I need.

I guess pictures are self-explanatory yes? Hahaha

In a condensed summary..
Eating at HPC,
Walking along the IR,
Touring around the Esplanade,
Watching David Choi live,

and that made my day ^^

Such utopian days like these won't last long I guess, they won't appear so often anymore especially when copious amounts of work are piling up and collecting dust on my desk. I do not have the luxury or the time to be as loquacious or garrulous but to be crisp and brief, focused and concise on my priorities, which admittedly, have been adjusted in the wrong direction.. After today's sermon, I realised that when a human falls or has reached a dead-end and enters a stupefied position, there are four main things that person normally does.

1. Run away, avoiding the problem or downfall as much as possible
2. Complain, express immense amounts of dissatisfaction and use vituperative language to unleash their inner discontent
3. Live in denial, refusing to even acknowledge the problem's existence
4. Keep on trying harder.

I'm guilty of number 4, constantly trying to push myself past my limits and not even aware of whether i'm headed towards the correct and designated path. I've carried this mentality that if you keep trying harder, one day you will reach it; failing to realise that we're all weak in nature, that some battles can never be won.. and it is ultimately God's path we must walk on.
Because of this, I am responsible of derogation and disparaging his intended rules and laws, detracting from authority and also straying in character (as a child of God)
I've grown afraid of human's expectations, that I forgot all about Him, and how all he wants us is to believe inside our hearts and to execute it on the surface. God, I have sinned.. Forgive me.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." -1 Corinthians 9:24-27

I guess the key to being a really healthy person inside and outside, is to stay congruent with God. Only then, can you be free and only then can you receive blessings and love others unconditionally.

At least Now I know better.. :)

2010-08-13T01:30:00.006+08:00

Tattoo

You're on my heart just like a tattoo
I'll always have you
Just like a tattoo

Unsure of your reactions and perceptions of me now that I've said what I wanna say inside.

But I've made up my mind, I will go for the jugular, and make every effort to be a better man. And I won't let it be at the cost of my happiness or my health. I know you can't help but be worried sometimes, I understand and acknowledge that. Still, believe and you shall see miracles. When you mentioned that you miss those days, those kanon days, those days where you can just lean on me without a care in the world. I know I missed them too, so badly in fact.. I wanted to become the guy you fell in love with again, that guy that was well organised, clear and straight-forward, decisive and firm in times of frailties and weaknesses. A person dependable, reliable and trustworthy. I want to lead a steadfast life, veracious and truthful to myself.

I'm really worn out.. But I'm happy, really happy :)

I know there will be more memories to come.. :D

I think I'm crazy..

sigh, I really miss you... and I'm crazy in love with you..

2010-08-08T20:14:00.003+08:00

Superman

If I could be your superman,
I'd fly you to the stars and back again.
'cause everytime you touched my hand,
You feel my powers running through your veins.
But I can only write this song,
And tell you that I'm not that strong.
'Cause I'm no superman, I hope you like me as I am'

-Joe Brooks

Beautiful lyrics.. Simple and straight to the point. Nobody's superman, and no one's ever perfect. I can't comprehend why Justin Bieber is more famous and star-studded than him..

Girl, I read your blog.. And I want to affirm and reassure you this, you don't need to try too hard to please me or make me smile. Because you can share anything with me, I'm always here to listen and I'll support you the best I can! :D
And yes in retrospect, we 'chose each other', and til this day I bear no regrets about being together with you.. So let's make it all worthwhile! :) After witnessing my two good friends having so much trouble with such pertinent issues, it really impels me to treasure you even more with each passing day. To constantly remind myself that your love is not to be taken granted, and if I could.. I'd want to protect you as much as I can. I know you've been through a lot this week, I really wish you get well soon! :D We're left with 90 days.. and time is ticking away....

Got this on litespeed from Mr Chng.
"This is indeed the last stretch before your sole purpose in JC for the past 2 years. Give it your best shot for the next 5 weeks and you will have months next year to play and do whatever you want. And that's the truth. It is a simple and short 5 weeks of hardwork and that's it. It is ultimately your own lives. Nobody owes you a living. If you want to achieve your dreams you will have to work for it. Cut off all your hair, clench your fists, bite your lips, and give your 110% for the A-levels. The least you can do is to give it your best bloody shot so that you will have no regrets!"
It sounds like he's making a military oratory, in an attempt to spur determination and encouraging that 'die with honour' attitude. ^^
But, I know he's right.. It's getting nearer and nearer, that much 'anticipated' and much feared A levels.

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
-Psalm 9:9-10

God, please enlighten me with your wisdom and fill me with determination and motivation. I know I am weak, undeserving for any blessings and grace that you have bestowed upon my shoulders.. Yet, you saved us and crucified your only son to die for our sins..

Praise the Lord! :D

..Sometimes I wonder how can you love us so much despite everything we humans have done?

2010-08-01T23:44:00.003+08:00

Nothin' on you

A tiptoe, and a kiss on the go

Beautiful girls all over the world
I could be chasing but my time would be wasted
They got nothing on you baby
Nothing on you baby
They might say hi and I might say hey
But you shouldn't worry about what they say
Cos they got nothing on you baby
Nothing on you baby

It's been more than 3 months. How time flies and glides by our very eyes.. I feel honoured and revered that 'You're my Queen of Spades, and I'm your King of Hearts'. I know it's honestly been hard on you, I am well aware of my 'tendencies'. Tendencies to dwell into regressive, unhealthy parochialism. Perhaps you've found me bemusing and bewildering on innumerable occasions where I unknowingly enter dire states of utter despair and desolation when things are still aren't as bad as they look. I understand that because of my past, I have made my heart aposematic, built for 'danger-detection' and constructed in careful consideration only serving to protect myself from harm. As a result, I have caused you to suffer. But darling, do know this: everyday I find these walls built around me slowly crumbling piece by piece. Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else thinks you will crumble, makes a difference and that is true strength. Thank you for not giving up on me :D
It's 1 am in the morning, and I'm still thinking about you, missing you so much..and I inevitably thought about our recent studying date together to maybe make me feel slightly happier :)

'act slim' face. haha xD

seb: 'rawr, take what sai pic.. '
Eunice: *ignores and continues to 'act cute' :D

haha, how many days do we have left? hmmmm.. 99 days? I guess time is not at our favour. I often wished I could spend more quality time with you, but I know striking that balance is equally important as well. A productive day today has been, nearly 8 hours of non-stop studying. Eyelids are heavy, weary yawns are appearing and my sight's getting blurry. Looks like it's time for some well deserved rest? haha xD I will see you tomorrow I guess! :D

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

-Galatians 6:9

I won't give up!

2010-07-31T23:03:00.006+08:00

Think of you

When i dream i think of you
breath i think of you
all day i think of you
give all my love to you my baby boo
swear its true all i do is think of you

When i pray i think of you
far away i think of you
all day i think of you
my heart belongs to you my baby boo
yes its true all i do is think of you

I love the way you make me feel.
This got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real.
I need it when I want it.
I want it when I don't.
Tell myself I'd stop everyday,
Knowing that I won't
And I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction.
I'm so strung out on you
I can barely move...but I like it,
and it's all because of you.
Cliche I know, but I'll admit it...
I am in love with you, and I miss you..

I know my image to you is probably obliterated, demolished, and possibly wrecked and tattered into pieces. Maybe I don't deserve you, or perhaps I am not entitled to your love since I have done, ... with ... that aren't so pleasing. I know I have freaked you out today, and I'm sorry. I wished I could simply discard my darkness into a thrash bin or something, removing it comprehensively and completely. It's like a tattoo that I can't remove, a stain that stays and lingers on, refusing to come off. I can only choose to walk away and get over it, which I have.

But I won't deny, it hurt upon knowing your reaction.. And you probably didn't know the amount of courage I mustered to tell you, the amount of bravery I gathered. I know you want the truth, you always wanted to know more and more, your curiousity seems like a bottomless pit, never-ending and always growing deeper. But how much can one take? I hope nothing will change after everything today- foolish I may be, but hope I will, continue holding onto.
During these 3 months, I knew I had to protect you. Your innocence, unsophisticated, 'child-like' attitude towards life was something that I was determined to ferociously defend at all costs. But darling, I've also learnt that over time I have seen you fully capable of being self-independent and you are able protect yourself just fine. And I know you have become someone I can trust, someone that I can just pour my heart's deepest troubles into. So, please don't make me lose that trust..? I have given you my heart. Something I hold dear to and it means a lot to me. Maybe just for once,

Could you protect me?
I really don't want it to affect or come between us anymore.
It isn't fair.
And I hate it.

All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own
- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Sigh.. I really miss you.. :(

2010-07-28T22:53:00.004+08:00

High Road

All I really need is some room to breathe
Is anybody out there listening?
Rumors and labels and categorization
I'm like a struggling doctor, no patients
But you can say what you want about me
keep talking while I'm walking away

You can say what you have to say
'cause my mind's made up anyway
I'm taking the high road going above you
this is the last time that I'm gonna trust you
You can say what you have to say
'cause my mind's made up anyway
all that bullshit you talk might work a lot
but it's not gonna work today

No one judges you because no one can.
no one hurts you because no one can.
no one tells you what to do because no one can.
But that doesn't mean you can. haha doesn't matter..
After all, I'm one of them aren't I?
Suffocate, strangulate, asphyxiate.
This facade determined to destroy, I will.
I know you show no contrition, penitence or slightest bit of remorse..
Look in my eyes and find blithe and amusement in the fear I've hidden so well.
Your intimidating hawk-like stare searches deep, preparing for the kill.
Petrified and panic-stricken, I search for a place called 'home', but with no avail. You tie an invisible rope around my throat and take delight in my futile struggle..
Each day, I ponder to myself and I question your conscience..
But with each passing day, the rope gets tighter-
yet your smile gets wider.

Are you even human?

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
Romans 8:1-2

I know God will free those from punishment completely, but I always wonder what's the incentive for people to not commit crimes and sins, if they can always get forgiveness anyways. Does that give them the license to sin, because they intend to repent afterwards?

2010-07-24T16:29:00.010+08:00

Hold on hope

"That nothing grows on,
But time still goes on,
And through each life of misery,
Everybody's got a hold on hope,
It's the last thing that's holding me."

I really shouldn't be blogging but.. I need an outlet to express myself before I can really get into the mood of studying.

How do you feel when nothing goes right? When your heart screams for company inside, wants to be heard so badly? A listening ear is all you ask for. A glimpse of hope is all you wish to see. Desolation and emptiness fills your stomach, and your soul wanders off in search of some security and comfort. Languidness, languor and lassitude find their way into the physical and spiritual self, attacking your willpower and your mental endurance starts to thin out. This week, it feels like as though I've been fulgurated, hard stricken by a jolt of lightning.

Mid year results.

In a nutshell, the only commendable subject would be my History which I surprisingly touched a B grade. The rest were just.. disappointing and demoralising.

Still, I give thanks because I have learnt so much more and I will not lose that precious light called hope. Though surreal and phantasmagoric, hope is something we ought to keep holding onto. Perhaps we think optimisim is just mere fiction or characterized by fantastic imagery and incongruous juxtapositions. Think that, and we've unknowingly resigned ourselves to failure. Excellence is to do our very best and attempting to surpass our own limits, and without the element of wanting to 'keep on moving', we'd always be stuck at a level of prolonged stagnation.
I want to do well, this time. For real.

I'm tired of stagnating, and I am constantly on the verge of falling. Just a little push, and it is enough to make me hit rock bottom with a sore bum.

Now I know, that I'm really just a pawn in His hands, and defiance of the individual will against the powers of the divine just proves to be nothing but tragic futility.

Now I know.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
-Matthew 11:28-30

Take 10, people!

Admittedly, though I recall whining and complaining about the rehearsal schedules and all the 'pointless' practice sessions, I know that inside I feel this indescribable sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. Maybe without notice, I have harboured an unsatisfiable desire to keep on playing and playing with these guys, indulging in the healing powers of music. It's a great memory to take away from NYJC. And when we graduate, I know I will always remember this day, a day full of suspense and excitement, a day as clear as crystal and as fresh as ever.

But I guess now is the time to focus on studies and concentrate solely on A levels.

A pact made with my dearest,

And a promise to myself I must fulfill.

To this 106 days rat-race, I shall not kneel

Time is the key and what I must wrest.

Look nowhere but inside your heart-

though ruthlessly torn apart,

someone must take charge!

God I surrender myself to you

for I know I'm in safe hands-

even though I wished I knew

about those grand plans.

"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future."

Can I depend on you..?

2010-07-18T19:41:00.007+08:00

Hold on

Lord, here's my prayer to you.

To give thanks for this week,

and also to seek strength from you,

so that I can continue to hold on, and don't stop my breathing..

This week has been a rather inspiring week though it's undoubtedly tiring and disappointing in so many aspects. I still choose to give thanks for these 'setbacks' because when one hits rock bottom, there is only one path left to take, and that is to go upwards. I give thanks for the discipleship session with En Han and David. It feels good to hang out with people whom are on a much higher level of maturity compared to me, and I'm able to depend on them for advice.
And it's fun to laugh at En Han's socially awkwardness when dealing with humans of the opposite gender. haha xD
It's really touching that he actually remembered my birthday and got me a sweet card, which I am very honoured to have received it. It wrote:

The world's greatest teenager:

This person is qualified to receive this award because after extensive and detailed research, it has been found that he/she is

Totally cool

Never causes any trouble

Smashingly brilliant

Virtually perfect in every way

Though people might find it lame and stupid, I think so otherwise since he only gave it to two people in church til this day, so there ought to be some value in it yes?
I often wonder why people backstab one another, hurt one another and enter the path of revenge, when it only leads to greater hurt.. I wonder why people like to condemn others when they themselves are not perfect.. I wonder why people fight, when we can live in harmony. Is there really no hope, no room for improvement even? :(
I guess this world is really just a zero-sum game and there is simply no such thing as a win-win situation. Maybe this world needs more love, needs more encouragement and less bitterness..

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who ill-treat you.
If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.
Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. " -Luke 6:27-30

It's so simple, yet so difficult.
This mid years results; not good. I haven't failed Maths for such a long time, perhaps this is God's version of a wake-up call for me to really start investing time in my rusty Mathematics.. My other H2 subjects aren't fantastic either, with Economics estimated to fail and Lit with a rather disappointing outlook.. I know it's time to start moving, time to wake up, and hopefully it isn't too late..
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can change, the courage to change the things that I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

"Do you know how to grill a steak?"
I guess I still don't,
would you guide and teach me how to?

2010-07-13T22:58:00.005+08:00

I see your true colours

Nothingness show its nature when change happens and you are in the awareness of change, not under the concept change

Today I finally see a glimpse of what the world looks like. So much has changed, and to a degree I wonder: why do people even change? I don't understand anymore. Logical people become sentimental, and emotional learn to strategise. Jigsaw puzzles are meant to confuse and one missing piece makes the final work incomplete. I wonder if people change just because they feel like it, or because it is really time for change.
I did feel like a mouse playing a in cat's territory today. I felt like I'm just being stared at and waiting for the cat to devour me whole, and I've entered a cat's world.
Who knows? I'm just saying. Mouses are pests and disease spreading creatures. Perhaps the very purpose of domestication of cats is to catch and to hunt mice. And by doing so, the law and order gets maintained and everything'll be in control.

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts."
-William Shakespeare

Maybe it's true. We're all multi-faced creatures that are meant to play different roles at different times, and consistency is a mere fantasy? Each role designed for each different purpose, and action leads to consequence. Who's to bear these consequences?
Tomorrow will be the official start to my new school term. Wonder what will happen..
But whatever it is..
"I feel a strange change approaching."

God, be there for me.. I ask no blessings and grace, just your presence that I may seek refuge in.
"Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge."
-Psalms 31:4

2010-07-12T23:10:00.008+08:00

Stairway to heaven

Turn your face to the sun, and your shadows will remain behind you.

And if you listen very hard, the truth will come to you at last.

When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not shouting "I am saved!"
I'm whispering "I got lost.."
"That is why I chose this way."

When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.

When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not trying to be strong,
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek his name.

When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I am loved.

-Carol Wimmer

It seems like a trend these days, to pursue power, wealth and authority when sometimes people don't realise that humans are weak in nature, and that there are so many things in this world that are out of our control; not within our sphere of influence.
Most people like to see American Blockbusters with the main hero kicking butt and doing all that fanciful stunts, and we admire their acumen, charisma and self-confidence.

But How many times do we see the people behind supporting these heroes? Do we praise Robin for backing Batman while fighting crime? Do we thank Aunt May for being Spiderman's pillar of support? What's Spongebob without Patrick? What's life without God?

"He's like a junk-artist. He shapes our odds and ends into something that is both beautiful and useful for His Kingdom. Never stop believing in what He can do for you as miracles do exist."

Today, I experienced something and to me, it's amazing.
It started off in the arcade on the top level of Suntec City tower, where dear wanted to play the machines for fun to perhaps kill time or attempt to grab that cute, fluffy stitch toy. haha xD
And I knew, that these arcade machines with cute little toys inside are nothing but hokum and are Scamming machines, cause they're almost impossible to win and it's simply a waste of money. But somehow, I felt this rush inside me.. To try this particular machine similar to the infamous, notorious claw machine. This machine requires you to place the pusher directly into the hole and push down the number plate to claim a prize. Somehow I allowed myself to play it and 'waste' money despite having the experience of spending so much unnecessary cash on arcade games. It felt different; I knew I was going to win something. At first, I didn't understand how the machine works.. I tried like 3 times? And I heard my inferior voice coming out "Told you so, idiot! these machines are designed to make you lose!"
I didn't give up and I told her to change tokens one last time for me and I wanted to win for her. Amazingly, I found the trick and I won the gift exactly at the last two tokens! :D Hahaha, I still remember how shocked she was to receive the gift, and how silly we acted in front of the staff member.

I was reminded of how important the lesson on faith is, To Live by faith and not by sight. Many times we don't see the light and we ask ourselves why is this happening to us? Why does God allow us to feel pain and sorrow even though He loves us so?

We always ask why God allows the blockage of routes we want to take and we whine and cry about it, not realising that maybe the blockage is God himself. He can't perfofrm his miracles if you aren't on his frequency, divergent from the path set for you right from the start of your creation.

For the past mid years and World cup, and even today.. I have seen my fair share of miracles and unbelievable feats. I may still not know what plans God has for me, but I shall have faith to keep moving on. And I'll learn more on this journey, and one day I know I will hear his thundering, firm voice.
My life has been a miracle and even a blessing to others. It's a raw testament to God's wonders and amazing grace. I know I am weak, but God values the weak because when they rise, it's not due to their own strengths and talents, but rather to highlight the power of the Lord. I give thanks for God's everlasting Grace and blessings. :D

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutons, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

2010-07-01T00:31:00.003+08:00

Please Don't promise me forever..

http://www.rotatingcorpse.com/dear_diary/please-dont-promise-me-forever/3027.html

haha, koped this from Shayne's blog, and it really touched me.
"Please don't try to keep it from me when you're feeling down. I'll never be able to share your joy if you protect me from your sadness. Please don't ever say never, and please don't promise me forever. All I ask is that you love me now."

Really like this line. I guess when things go wrong between a couple. The more you should love the other party.
"You and I were different. We came from different worlds, and yet you were the one who taught me the value of love."

:)
All the best for your paper tomorrow dear!!
I'll be supporting you! xD
and
I miss you..

2010-06-27T21:10:00.003+08:00

隐形的翅膀-张韶涵

每一次都在徘徊孤单中坚强
每一次就算很受伤也不闪泪光
我知道我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞飞过绝望

不去想他们拥有美丽的太阳
我看见每天的夕阳也会有变化
我知道我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞给我希望

我终於看到所有梦想都开花
追逐的年轻歌声多嘹亮

我终於翱翔用心凝望不害怕
哪里会有风就飞多远吧

隐形的翅膀让梦恒久比天长
留一个愿望让自己想像

人如果失去了信心，还能算活着吗？

我要自由地飞，
在爱中不惧怕，
在爱中无伤悲
上帝啊，求你加添我力量和智慧，
把所有不属神的心思意念完全的除掉，
好让我能够带着一颗充满盼望的心态
来面对明天的考试。
不慌张，也不害怕。
因为有你在，万事都可能！

Let me believe in the unseen again; to believe in the intangible, not the tangible.
And let it start tomorrow.
I must have faith!!

2010-06-20T16:30:00.003+08:00

Don't quit!

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must but do not quit!

Success is failure inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit!

When life gets tougher, you try harder!
When you try harder, you grow stronger!

2010-06-19T01:21:00.007+08:00

Dinner at Timbre's!!

Really had a great night!
I'm lazy to type out and besides, I think pictures mean more than words right? haha

Statue with nicely carved penis 'peeing' on me

Ethel asked me to act retarded like the statue.. -.-

Wanted to take a pic with me pinching his nipples but they were too small to be captured on film, so i just pointed at his thing, which is bigger, but well.. *still smaller than mine?* xD

Played truth or dare, and I was dared to hump every pillar three times.. T_T

Haha but at least mine wasn't as bad as yan ming's..

Great night spent with my close friends ;D

more pics on fb!

Anyways, this is for you.

Just so you know, I haven't felt so 'exposed' to someone for a very very long time. Don't get me wrong, I meant it as something positive. My girl knows how my house looks like now, and has sat on the spot I'm sitting now, lied on my bed, and even touched my drums. It's a huge step for me. I'm the kind of guy that likes to enjoy some degree of privacy, not cause I'm afraid, but perhaps a tad uncomfortable when people know too much about me.. I always have this hidden danger alert that is able to pick up signs and signals when people know too much about me. I don't like the feeling of being analysed and observed while I on the other hand, lack the information regarding the other party. I like it when I can read another person, when I have the 'upper hand' beacause I feel safe that way..

But somehow, I don't feel that way with you. At least the magnitude of the uncomfortable feeling is drastically reduced.. I'm actually more willing to show more stuff about me to you.. I actually want to let you know more about me, which is really unusual of me. I think my logic is failing me, and all I'm hearing is my heartbeat.. My heart that is beating for you..

I'm glad you've had a slight chance to met my family? haha at least you've met 3 of my family members.. You know my mum said I wasn't myself when you left the car. Why? Because I was unusually hyper and rarely so joyful. Says a lot doesn't it? haha
It's supposed to be scary that you are knowing more and more about me each day.. But somehow I feel a little more safer with you as the days go by.. :)

Weird...

anyways, i should go sleep and rest now... My nose killing me!!!

Had the flu for the entire day, simply because I decided to go *****less in an air con room after ****ing and my whole body was ***! =x

oops!

2010-06-14T22:21:00.005+08:00

what a long week...

It's been a really tiring week, a week full of fun and adventure. A week full of learning and mixed emotions, a week full of questions and answers. Church camp then a two day one night retreat to Resort World Sentosa with dear, and til now it feels like everything was just a dream.

"Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten."

I never realised the biblical concept of 'one big family' the movie lilo and stitch was trying to convey..
Regardless of all shapes and sizes, characters and personalities.. We have to love everything that God creates. We are all one big family, and we should all love one another.

God blesses those who are honest and live out their faith in the name of Christ.

During the camp, I learnt that in life, challenges will always be present and in some point, we have to pick up our mat and move on with life. I learnt a lot in camp, and I learnt that by helping others we often receive more than those we help.

'Putting others above yourself. That was what I didn't like about you then.. Now it's out.'

I felt a werid sting in my heart when you said that.. Because I wanted to be a person like that.. a person that always puts others above myself, a person that loves others selflessly without any consideration to his own self. But then, I realised you're right. I am changing, I don't know whether it's for the worse or for the better.. Whether I was the one turning into someone selfish, only thinking about how to please your mother, how to look good and presentable.. I felt like I lost a part of myself in the process.. :(

Then you said you actually were mentally prepared to give up and break up.. It made me worry because when someone's mentally prepared to break up, then subconciously you'll likely to make it happen.. I really don't want that and I'm not even prepared to give you up.. I don't even know what I'll do without you..

I'm not sure if everything's really alright and that I'm thinking too much. I don't know what you need is personal space or my attention and presence? I want to be there for you, and I'm trying hard.. I will keep on trying.. I guessed I must have disappointed you in so many ways possible throughout the whole trip, and I'm so sorry.. I failed to make you happy during the USS visit, I failed to stay up all night with you like we promised. I failed to ease tensions and make you feel comfortable. It feels like you and your mum are the ones taking care of me instead.. And I feel so guilty, because I know I can do better than this. I can be someone you are proud of, just like in the past..

"I think you and i have so much that we dont know about each other. Yet we are going so fast. It ain't right."

Maybe you didn't know but that pierced my heart.. It hurt because it sounded like what a defeatist would say, it doesnt sound like the Eunice I know. If it isn't right.. Why accept me in the first place, why let it all start? I didn't mind getting rejected because I just wanted a reason to love you. I didn't care what happened to me, all I wanted was to give you joy and make you smile. And I guess my happiness mattered to you as well?

I'm guessing you're feeling insecure after everything. I want to tell you this. I'm still the same old Sebastian, the goofy silly boy. I am still me and I didn't change inside. I'm going to love you more after all of this because I know a little more about you and your life with each passing day, and it's going to bring me closer to you eventually. It's an adventure, and I wonder if you're still game and willing to take my hand and embark on this journey together with me? Regardless of the end product, will you walk with me? :)

2010-06-05T23:31:00.004+08:00

Excellence versus perfectionism

Sometimes I wished people could see the effort, rather than results. In this pragmatic society, I wonder whether one day teachers would give students A grades for their efforts and hard work rather than the quality produced. Effort doesn't equate to results in this cruel world..

I think in everyone of us, there's an artist inside who wants so much to blossom and flourish, to be able to grow, and to be given a chance to express. In the bible, Ephesians 4.32 tells us to be "kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." It seems that I haven't applied this great verse to the artist inside of me. The perfectionist is not kind to the artist inside, constantly criticizing the artist and always setting unrealistically high expectations and only sees the negative. It appears that I haven't been kind to the artist in me.
Many of us artists are feelers. We relate to the world around us based on our feelings, but that's dangerous because our feelings change. However, the worst thing you could do to those of us with artistic temperaments is to tell us to ignore our feelings! We can't ignore our feelings. For my case, those feelings are too strong, too real to ignore. What influences our feelings most, though, is what we believe in our minds. Sadly though, making the connection between the brain and the heart is not always easy.

so just this once, give me time and grace?
I'm not perfect.

Did I grow up according to plan?
Do you think I’m wasting
My time
doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you
Disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t pretend that I’m alright

And you can’t change me, you can't.

Because only I can change myself..

How many times have you asked me whether I can ever play the cello that good, when can I ever reach the standards of those drummers?
How many times have you asked me why can't I sleep on time, wake up on time like normal people?
How many times have you told me how I should live my life?

instead of
telling me that You're proud to see me play the cello and drums, even though I suck badly
instead of
asking how I feel when I have insomnia, asking what's troubling me..
instead of
trying to find out more about my current lifestyle rather than changing it forcefully..

I'm tired..
And you tell me that I shouldn't be so tired; I'm not acting like my age that I should be fit and not so weak..
Why don't you try asking me why I'm tired, for a change.
How's that?

Yeah, didn't think so either.

2010-05-28T22:46:00.003+08:00

Countdown: 6 days

HELLO world!!
In less than 24 hours, I'll be carrying my luggages in hopes of returning with satisfaction from shopping in Hongkong! :D
I think I deserve a good break; a getaway from stressful Singaporean lifestyle and indulge in 'retail therapy'! haha
I've always wanted to really experience more in Hongkong.. My previous trip with the CO members was well, disappointing in certain ways, and yet enjoyable in other aspects as well. Really hope this time round I can finally let my hair down and really enjoy myself..

but first, I should really get my ass moving and start packing.. :(

Today, I told someone that she wore a lot of grey clothings and I asked her whether she liked grey. *I was correct, as usual.. ^^
haha, and well, I didn't think as much as her, because I was seriously preoccupied with trying to make her smile and laugh the whole time. I honestly wanted the 'final' memory of us together to be a blissful and positive one. I'm sorry I 'bullied' you on the train, it's just I haven't seen you laugh so hard and smile so brightly for a long time. I'm glad :D
And I do hope my simple 'surprises' have made your day. Simplicity is everything to me, I just want to convey my emotions through simple and clear methods. To me, even a simple trip to a bookshop can mean so much.. Life isn't waiting for happiness to come, it's creating happiness out of nothing.

Admittedly however, today I did feel somewhat rotten during the ice cream treat, when you told me I was so similar to him in behaviours and hobbies, my heart felt weird. You told me you may become afraid to love me.. probably afraid of the past resurfacing once more.. I felt scared at that moment. Faked a smile of course, as I always do.. I didn't want to be a replacement, I want to be someone special, not just someone who qualifies to be a substitute. I know my heart has this slight sting whenever you mention his name, sometimes I'd uncontrollably compare myself with him, just like how you do unintentionally.
''I want to be better than him'', says the heart, despite knowing that it's pointless to even bother comparing. I sometimes even wish I didn't share so many similarities with him, to serve as a constant reminder that 'Sebastian is just like him..'
I'm willing to kick all my hobbies, suppress the similar joys we have in common but I know you'll be strongly against it.
This applies to even the yellow flower guy. It hurts to know you're so worried and troubled but I'm powerless to even do anything to change the situation. I felt like confronting him myself, and if I ever did that, it probably means I'm serious about it. If he's going to pull you into darkness, I will protect you at all costs; I mean what I say.
Sigh, take care okay??

I told her to let go, and have faith that everything'll be fine eventually. Even though I'm still afraid deep down inside, fearful of things happening, paranoid of change.. I guess I have to live by my very own words and lead by example.

and so, I will. :D
that simple!
Starting tomorrow, I shall breathe again, come back new! *probably fatter*
So God, help us here. Let everything be alright..
May the light shine even in darkness, always. (:
haha!

Countdown: 6 days.

2010-05-25T22:09:00.005+08:00

The losers?

Stay hungry, stay foolish!

..
But you'd be a loser if you did..
Yeah,
but I'd be a bigger loser if I didn't follow my heart, if I don't stay true to myself

To me, being foolish and stupid is harder than being smart,
We all live in a competitive world striving to survive, always 'manipulating the truth'. Perhaps everyone's so accustomed to hearing lies, we lose trust and surprisingly, it's always the truth that touches our hearts. Pure honesty makes that lasting impact.

Lucy said, "He's the best father in the world; because his love is all that I need."

Anyways, watched The losers today!! xD
So happy, watched the movie I wanted to watch and with the person I want to watch with :D
I can't believe you actually liked it.. Lol, you're turning into a guy; a marist even.. disturbing... =x
haha, next time I intro you to cooler shows k?? :D
and I'm sorry to hear about your running nose, I do hope it gets better by tomorrow.. Honestly, I'd miss you even though it's a day.. But it's precisely because of this period that
Every.day.counts.

I just want to say, I think you really love me a lot.. When you told me of all the things that you've done for the first time in your life, (under my influence) I was really surprised. It's true, I may not know how much I've changed your life.. but I do know that you have indeed changed mine too. :D
You're willing to go through so much for me.. Things which I know you probably wouldn't have done in the past.. It's simply amazing.
When I heard that you're gonna write about your life everyday when I'm away and that you're not going to find a replacement for me.. It meant a great deal to me, and it certainly touched me.. You always think I'm 'awesome' and how 'you don't deserve me'..
You're mistaken, the tables are turned this time round because you are the one that's really awesome.
I always admired your bravery and courage, something which I lacked of..
I always respected your determination to continuously make the same mistakes but never moving away from what you think is right.
You have so many good traits that many people do not see in you, and so many talents hidden within you, just waiting to be found.
You always underestimate yourself, thinking you can't do it. hehe jiayou dear! Stay true to yourself and everything'll be fine :D
I do hope you can get well soon okay! :(
I love you..
That kiss was really special to me.. and I'm glad I took it..

Stay hungry, stay foolish!

Because following that path will make you shine..

Just when all the smart geniuses in the world become lost in their own complex thoughts, you will be that foolish 'loser' to hit the jackpot..

2010-05-18T21:16:00.004+08:00

Angry birds!!

haha, recently liked or rather, addicted to this game.
It's a memory we both share together, and something we both enjoy doing together. (:

I feel so blessed... :D
haha!
Off to study! I cannot let myself or her down, or anyone else for that matter!
I love you dear!! :D

2010-05-16T08:11:00.008+08:00

Bring down the giants of your life!

He vies for the bedside position, hoping to be the first voice you hear. He covets your waking thoughts, those early, pillow born emotions. He inserts words of worry, stirs you with thoughts of stress. If you dread the day before it even begins, that giant has already taken the lead.

Without a doubt, there are so many super-sized challenges across the globe.. Challenges that swagger and strut, pilfer sleep and embezzle peace and liposuction joy out of our lives.
Will these giants gain control and force us to kneel and cower before them?

In my case,
I think my life is a miracle. It has been, and it will continue to be.
I know my past is filled with endless darkness but I've learnt how to walk out of bad memories and to always remember the good memories; memories of my freedom, my rebirth.
There are times I've fallen to the giants, times where the giants fall..

From today, I'm going to write down my worries in sand, chisel yesterday's victories in stone.
Anything written in sand won't last as it will only cease to be washed away by waves. On the other hand, stone is not temporal, but absolute. It's tough and robust, not easily shaken nor easily broken.
I want to make sure I remember the positive things I've done, not avoiding my troubles but conquering them.

No more embracing of darkness, no more pessimism. I shall not allow the negativity to take out the light in my eyes, the passionate flame that burns in my heart. From this instant, I am going to take down my Goliath!

To someone:
hey, I'm not sure if I'm thinking too much but I think there's something bothering you. If there really is, don't hide it from me alright? You know it'll make me worried. Perhaps it's because of the reading of my 2 years worth of blog posts? Perhaps it's some romance drama that makes you emo? Or is it something else that denies you of your smile? Then again, like you said.. I may be wrong and overthinking too much. I hope I am, because you mean so much to me and I can't bear to see you sad..
Someone asked me 'how's she like?'
Honestly, I didn't give a cohesive answer partly because I wasn't prepared and didn't expect it. I'm sorry because I should have given a better answer and I know you deserve greater credit. You're not only sensitive and humorous, you're also forgiving and so very kind. You're intelligent, sweet and honest..
There's a reason why I remember 90% of the words you say,
there's a reason why I can't help but stare at your eyes and smile to myself, there's a reason why I can feel so happy admist all the weariness and fatigue life constantly presents to me.
It doesn't matter what your character is, I want to love you for not only the parts that are lovable, but also the non-lovable sides of you.
You said your heart will ache when you see me getting headaches, my heart aches too when I know you're troubled or bothered and I'm powerless to do anything. I don't want you to fall into darkness. You gave me courage to move on, so how can I just watch you plunge headfirst into danger, walking unto a path that shouldn't be walked on?
Like you said, the Lord is watching above us and things will start to look up for you. I want to be part of that, I want to be the first one to witness you soar up high. I'm not sure if you're willing, but will you accept me for who I am? Be it 'chain girls' or not? You're not a cheap substitute or a replacement of any kind, you have a special place in my heart.
It's right here, if you're willing to take it.

I'm all yours.. :D

2010-05-06T03:56:00.007+08:00

mature 18?

I had one of the most memorable birthdays in my life.

I had the best birthday cake in the world, made out of pure love.

I had and still have, great friends that remember me..

I have a great family that cares so much about me, who are really proud of me..

I am blessed, I know it.

This year's been a very memorable year for me, even though it's only been 4-5 months. For so many various reasons I can't even remember..
"Thank you, God. For showing me, for reminding me, what’s truly important to me. I will cherish with my everything."
This year, I feel reborn. Renewed from my past, seen the light.
Once was a period of my decline, now I shall make it the start of my incline.

I'm 18 now,
can drink, can drive..
just don't drink drive.
Can watch m18 movies, buy cigarettes and do other 'stuff'' LEGALLY.
It's a great step for me, I'm not even sure whether I'm up to standard of 'matured 18'. It takes a lot to grow up, to mature is to become responsible, not shying away from duties and tasks and to be able to impact lives positively by setting a good role model. Maturity is doing what is right, and not what is popular. I'm so afraid I can't reach that level of maturity..

Deep inside of me, there lies this fear of growing up. In just 3 years time, I would already become a legally recognised adult. It all seems so fast, this progression. Just two years ago, I was still playing with gaming consoles.. Skipping lessons and having the 'ideal carefree life'. Imagine two years later, I'd be holding machine guns, trampling on mud, 'defending' the nation. And another two years later, I'd probably be in University to further my studies and carving a career for myself, 'serving' this nation.. With great power comes greater responsibility. Having all the privileges of an eighteen just serves as a reminder for me to exercise self control and to have strict discipline of oneself. Having theory is in fact, much different from doing it.. I may know the 'requirements' of myself, but am I ready to meet these expectations?

Life isn't really about perfection, nobody's perfect.
It's about making every second count and worth living.
To me, life isn't measured by how many smiles and laughters, but it's the number of other people's lives that you've changed. Ultimately when I reach that day on my death bed, God won't ask me how happy I've been on Earth. He'll ask me how many lives I've saved..

I wonder, how many lives have I really saved?
Will I still be that rebellious 'teen' or be that one person that is dependable, trustworthy and influencial? A levels isn't really everything because results doesn't reflect character. It is always our character and personal qualities that makes us different from everyone else.
This year, my aim is to achieve both character and academic results. To balance social life, with my working life and to prepare myself for the next 2 years in NS. No matter what this eighteenth year of my life has for me, I'll learn to face it, to handle it. I have to..

I must learn how to grow up! So that I can be a good role model for you :D

2010-04-21T23:01:00.003+08:00

Always be my baby

just three words..
I LOVE YOU =)

I mean what I say.. and I'm sure you know that :)
Thanks for trusting me, I won't let you down!
For the first time,
Heart's beating for you, mind's thinking of you..
yeah, sick..
Love-sick that is.. ^^

k la, I go sleep.. later tmr you ninja me -.-
I love you
Let's make this last!

2010-04-20T06:51:00.002+08:00

Someday hopefully, I'll have a story to tell..

History never looks like history when you're living through it. It always looks confusing and messy, and it always feels uncomfortable.

Some questions are probably best left unasked. I know I should push them aside and wait for life to unfold its mysteries. When I grow old, and as I tell my story, will I remember the doubts and endless questioning? Or will I have forgotten the silent longings; will they wash away like footprints on an ocean shore? Or perhaps I'll be telling the same young fool the same things I get so tired of hearing from others.

As I stand on this side, with no clear sense of direction. I'm right in the middle of messiness and confusion. I still have so many questions/ When will I know? How would I know?
Is this story going to be worth telling?

big questions asked.. But will the answers be good? Will there even be answers?

hmmm..
only God knows, and time will tell.

2010-04-19T02:00:00.004+08:00

^^

I wish every conversation could be like that.. It really feels different knowing that you are not alone.. I must learn how to wait.. The longest I've waited is a month and a half.. I don't know how long I'll need this time round. I may not know what I'm putting myself through, but it's making me so happy, I can't believe it.. It feels like a dream..

hmmmm..
but will I be forced to wake up and face cold reality then?
If this were nothing but a 'dream'.. Honestly, I don't wanna wake up.

2010-04-18T03:29:00.002+08:00

Patience is a virtue..

I guess now what's left is to wait. I honestly never expected the reaction to be this..
and I thought I would once again, face rejection.. as I always have. I guess this time, I'm going to try for happiness, take a shot at it.

I shouldn't love you,
but I want to,
I just can't turn away..
I shouldn't see you,
but I can't move,
I can't look away..
And I don't know
how to be fine when I'm not.
Cause I don't know
how to make a feeling stop..

Just so you know,
this feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it..
Thought you should know,
I tried my best to let go of you
but I don't want to..

It's getting hard to be around you
there's so much I can't say.
Do you want me to the hide the feelings
and look the other way..

This emptiness is killing me
I'm wondering why I waited so long..
Looking back I realised it was always there
just never spoken..
I'm waiting here,
been waiting here...

I am fully aware of all the risks and dangers involved, but I know what I'm doing. For I am a miracle-believer, I will not lose hope. Not when I've regained it, not when the darkness in my heart is slowly fading away.. I will still get those As in the exams, and it will not be at the cost of my happiness, my genuine smile which I thought I had long lost.. No matter what happens, I won't fall anymore!

2010-04-17T01:29:00.006+08:00

Promises are meant to be kept!

I was taught from young that when you make a promise, you jolly well keep it and mean it. And most of all, not to break the hearts of other people with your empty promises.

"You promise? Pinky promise?"

"Yes, I will keep my promise!"

Today's PW results release was 'epic'. I got an A grade, but it was so totally Anti-climax luh.. Well, at least our CT attempted 'joking' with the class before releasing our results.. Seriously, her lack of concern and respect doesn't even affect me anymore.. I didn't know how I even managed to survive one whole year under her.. Tsk! Well, at least she was much better this time as compared to when she gave us back our A level Chinese results.. -.-
But oh, don't get me wrong! She's still a bitch, a 100% bitch!
Shall not waste time on her..

Econs test was another epic fail! Totally got raped by the paper.. T.T
I think next week I'll be off the band for sure.. -.-"

School life is getting more stressful lately.. It's literally test after test and there's almost no end to it... To make things worse, CO trainings have intensified. I'm probably not going to be free for the whole of next week luh.. Not even a single day I guess.. Sigh.. =(

Hopefully, everything will be better after my concert! xD
I want to eat Taiyaki, watch shutter island, go shopping, play bball with those guys, and do much more other stuff with my good friends!!

24th April marks the first step to freedom! =D

2010-04-15T23:37:00.008+08:00

Blessed..

Life's good to me today.
Felt a lot better compared to yesterday, didn't feel so alone, not so rejected by society..
I even laughed today! ^_^

However, I'm not really studying my econs nor doing my maths assignment.. Felt so damn full after the satisfying steamboat buffet and desserts! xD
simply wanted to nua, and just get fat there.. haha!
Never expected myself to have so much fun eating out with them and just talking crap. haha so I guess tmr's gonna be a new day for me; release of PW results plus test..
So just how well prepared am I for the test tmr? D:

Define monopoly
Ans: A bloody boring game with a perverted old man as its logo and published by Parker Brothers..

*I know it's lame, but if it really comes out.. I will actually be clueless as to how to answer it. I haven't really revised it yet... =x*

I think if I can get rid of this fear (and laziness) inside of me,

I know I will do well! =D

2010-04-14T22:27:00.005+08:00

I really need to calm down..

Today is a way too tiring day for me. I could barely open my eyes during Econs lecture.. I hardly heard a word during lit, and if I wasn't forced to consume some food by someone, I guess I'd have just collapsed in fatigue or something during history lecture.
This is bad.. I've not absorbed a single thing in 3 days.

look at all the crap I drew during maths.. It's really getting on my nerves..
I'm not myself... and I hate it!

I HATE THIS! sigh..

My mother freaked out today when she saw my face..

"Your eyes look so ghastly, it's like staring into darkness.. "

I could tell, she was worried sick.. I felt bad too, when my excited sister told she did well for her Jap and Lit test, but all I did was ignore her completely. I know she cried. And even my concerned father as well..

"Son, I haven't seen you smile in a month. Try to enjoy life more okay?"

"I can't smile anymore," was the answer he got.

People ask me "Why the fuss over such problems? They aren't so significant after all.. "

Well, they're MY problems and that makes them important.

But despite all that's said... I'm not solving anything, I'm merely running away.

No longer fighting those demons, I have chosen to become a coward only capable of fleeing.

I don't even have the courage to wield a sword for protection anymore.. =(

Dear Lord,

I need strength.

Please save me!!

Miracles still happen, don't they?

I really don't want to get cancer..

I really don't!! ='(

2010-04-10T23:47:00.003+08:00

I am happy!

I think out of all my recent blog posts..
I don't think there is really a single one entry that shows me actually expressing my joy and happiness. I don't know why, but I'm feeling blessed today.. Truly blessed.

I always believe that everything happens for a reason, and whatever comes into my life, has a purpose. Just like a play, every action, every speech holds an importance to the entire play. I think every event that has happened, or every single person who touched my life is not a coincidence, nor is it a 'mistake'.

I think I should give thanks. I'm always ranting, complaining about life and entering into states of parochialism. So today, I'll start afresh!
maybe simply because love is so strong, it stands above all.
And it has healed my heart..

I want to give thanks to God
for..
1) Allowing me to still have miraculous grades (to me) even though I slacked so much
2) Giving me the assurance when I needed it
3) For blessing me with such a great family! xD

I want to give thanks for my church cell members, especially Sihui,
for..
1) Taking time out of your busy schedule to pray for me
2) Spending time talking to me regarding life issues
3) Making that effort to console me, to affirm me :)

I want to give thanks for my friends in school
for..
1) Being sensitive to my 'emo' moments
2) Giving me comfort as and when I needed it
3) Not leaving me in the lurch :D

and I want to give thanks to you.

I know you want to find out what's real and what's not.
Everything's real.
of course look at it, in a non-dirty way la!

That night, I really poured everything out.. Well, the main gist of it.. My life isn't filled with that much sorrow la.. haha
I really felt that I was accepted, and you really made me feel much better than night. I truly felt more relaxed (not dirty way of course..)
I have been holding on so tightly, defending so fiercely, almost like to guard myself from the dangers of this world.. I was always in doubt, of other people, of myself..
But thanks to you, I learnt how to trust once more. You may not know, but I really felt my heart ache so badly when I saw you in school.. It got worse when I witnessed you crying and sobbing so uncontrollably. Not just because of guilt, but also because I was powerless to do anything.. Literally, there was nothing I could do. Here I went blabbering on about how I would protect you, but I gave you pain instead. I failed to guard your heart.. You're important to me. So don't cry already okay!

Too bad Kanon was down today.. I wanted to watch it with you. haha oh wells, there's always another time right? =)
Til then, take care!! xD

yay! Happy today!

2010-04-08T21:59:00.004+08:00

It's time I let go of my sword..

Held on so tightly, this weapon of mine.
Thought if I let go, I'll be weak and powerless..

Guess I got everything all messed up..
Thought I was better off on my own, looks like I was wrong.

I have to let go.

Everything I've fought against was nothing but myself..
Fighting with the inner demons that were self created. I needed no one.
So I thought..
But I felt God talking to me through this anime Konan, as the character Mai, who is a demon slayer and a highly introvert one.
Nobody seems to understand her, she's perceived as a freak and everyone just flees at her presence. Eventually, young Mai learns how to build barriers around her heart, as she accepts her fate and locks herself up. She fights alone, always.

I never knew how much I had hurt others with my actions and words.. Just like Mai, I've shunned the people that are truly concerned about me because I was so stupid and so selfish.. I'm bounded by this darkness, by my shadow..
I was on the verge of losing everything dear to me, everything so precious and valuable.. I was ignorant and foolish..

But today,
I am going to be one step closer to freedom because I deserve to be.
I am going to smile, like how I used to.
I am going to learn how to love once more.

The following is for a special someone:

"USE YOUR UGUU POWER!!"

Thank you too. Because of you, my heavy heart feels lighter. I can feel my pain easing day by day, and it is your care and concern that saved me. I won't destroy everything that we've built together. Those happy times we shared, I shall not erase them. Caring has the power to cure.. I want to protect you just like how you have protected me, I want to make you smile because you made me smile. You are just so important to me, I can't explain it. So dear, thank you for everything! I know that you are someone that I can depend on, seek comfort in even in times of darkness. You'll be right there standing, providing me with light to carry on, always. Thanks for being there whenever I needed you. =)

2010-04-01T23:44:00.002+08:00

Happy April's fool Day!

Irritated, pissed, upset?
I understand.
I cried out loud, without consideration
to how my neighbours felt.
Only to be full of sorrow and self-pity..

I bet you cried too.
Underneath that strong appearance,
lies the softest of all hearts.
It was either you or me.
I chose you..
Looks like it's your happiness for the cost of mine.
I'm willing to take the blame,
if it spares you the shame.

haha, Happy April's Fool's day!
Guess I was a real classic fool today..

2010-03-31T23:22:00.002+08:00

Mind against heart

The mind who possess wisdom, holds ideology,
building on foundation.
The heart feeds on emotions, lacks of strategy
and always succumbs to temptation.
The mind's made out of steel, unable to feel.
Whereas the heart,
equipped with the power to heal, believes in the unreal.

Then one day came this pretty girl,
with eyes as beautiful as pearls.
Captivated the mind and captured the heart.
However, as time swirls..
it was apparent the unity would not last,
and soon they both fell apart.

In this dilemma,
The heart says this, the mind says that.
The heart softens,
but the mind hardens.
"It's for your own good", it says.
The heart nods, but yet it sways...

Is it for real when I say a person is only happy when he has ideals and dreams?
Can a person with strong logical reasoning find joy?

Rules are meant to protect you from the unknown.
We abide by the rules, play safe and we're happy.
However, is that really the case??

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

The vicious tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

2010-03-21T00:18:00.002+08:00

Deadlines! Deadlines!

It's been a long week, a week filled with mixed emotions.
Rested well, worked hard.
Did some revision, had some fun.
I think I'm ready for term 2!
Hao Qi was right. Ultimately, it's the A levels that matter. Failing now doesn't mean you're screwed.
In fact, failing now may be good... One cannot succeed without failing first, for failure is the first step to success.

The only problem is motivation..concentration.. and the determination in which I seriously lack.

She says it best.
"In order to be motivated, one must first know what he is motivated by.
What makes you smile, what makes you happy, what gives you energy, the wind in your step, move closer to it. Because if you are not feeling motivated, it means you are moving too far away from it"

God, I really need faith and strength, I want to peak at the right moment.
I need wisdom, patience..
I need you.

Girl, I read your blog.
All I wanna say is, I'm grateful for your company too. It's amazing how you're able to 'tank' my nonsense when I'm depressed, how you're able to put up with my ugly side. No matter what life throws at me, I'm always able to stand up eventually and your encouragement always makes it easier. You're a prudent girl filled with wisdom, gifted with farsight. I'm sure one day you'll find the courage to snip off that invisible thread tied around your buttons, breaking free from the demons and bondages that weigh you down.
One day, you'll discover that you always possessed the sweetest smile and the most genuine laughter one could ever have. I know you can do it ^^

I will fight alongside with you, to fend off the dark side innate within us.

"For I've fought the good fight
Run the good race
And kept the faith"
-2 Timothy 4:7

2010-03-11T22:36:00.004+08:00

Taxi driver?

Today, Mr Chng was attempting to 'scare' us by announcing the A level results of the 08 batch and university admission criteria etc..
I learnt that the courses I want to get in, are..
not really easy to enter :O

FASS, economics
or
Real Estate or anything related to Tourism

My goal is clear and simple. But attainable? =(
All of my subjects must have a D grade and above if I want to even dream of having a shot to enter. Right now, I'm miles awayyy..

In accordance to that,
I finally met one of those taxi uncles that actually rants and complains about life.
It's really rare for me, as I don't sit taxis that often and I don't travel much..
So it's my first time experiencing this. =)

I am heavily depressed by his words..

The uncle that drove us was a double degree holder and used to be an operations manager in some company in China.
His gross monthly salary was 10k a month, but sadly for him, his company disintegrated and he was left jobless at the age of 40. He tried to look for jobs, writing in appeal emails.. 50 a day, in hopes of finding someone willing to hire him. Unfortunately, his cries and prayers were left unanswered cuz people found him 'too qualified'.
He then started to rant about the negative aspects about life in Singapore, how it's too stressful, how flawed the govt can be, etc.

I remember this particular quote.
"Degree can throw into rubbish bin la, USELESS! Look at me, degree holder but still driving taxi! 10k a month to 1k a month!"
"Then that day there was this pri 5 boy, keep asking me to drive faster even though heavy traffic. I told him no, then he actually threatened me you know? Threaten to complain eh! I told him immediately, to get off my cab! and go fly your damn kite!! What the HELL!"

Those were his actual words (at least 80% accurate)
It was quite a pity, his words implied that he was well educated, proficient and highly intelligent..

His tone was also very much, sardonic..
and to me,
his 'speech' accentuated a potent slice of realism which struck me really hard..
What's the use of having a degree?
so what if I managed to get into a Uni, get into the desired course of my choice..?
Does it really mean that I'll have a bright future ahead?
What are the odds that I won't end up being a taxi driver, complaining about how life sucks to random strangers because they are so miserable, they have no other outlet to express their sorrow?
=(

Depressing.

But then again, despite that.. There really isn't much of a choice. My dad is still considered jobless, and my mum may lose many job opportunities due to that 'Jack Neo scandal'...
It may be true that my family needs to depend on me soon..
Will I need to juggle studies and work at the same time? =(

Father, give me confidence and renew my strength!
Let me know that hope still exists, let me know that I am well taken care of.. and that I won't end up being miserable, indulging in self pity, degrading myself to a worthless monster..

I know I am loved,
but
Give me a sign..

2010-03-06T22:03:00.003+08:00

Alice in Wonderland

Every morning, I can think of six impossible things.
...
I must be mad, but then again,
All the best people are.

hahaaha~
"Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at!"
(oh, did that just rhyme? hahaha)

"We're all mad here."

haha, I think the movie is quite interesting, I never knew how much I missed out when I watched Alice in Wonderland (Disney cartoon version) I always saw it as a super weird film that made no sense. However, as I have grown to take up literature in JC, I've come to realise how superb this classic really is.. The story is really awesome!! I wish I could re-watch again and analyse it in greater detail..
What it means to be really mad, and to be really twisted and weird.

2010-03-06T00:36:00.002+08:00

The One?

So many blows today..
1. Didn't do well for H1 chinese (although I already expected it.. =x)
2. Found out Yong Siang got A instead.. (=.=")
3. Saddened to realise that we could've done a better job at 'The One'..
4. Super shocked to find out that even Daryl, who used to be the definition for 'loser' could get extremely high rank points for A levels..

If I'm more screwed up than the 'screw up', then what does make me?
Sigh..
I feel so demoralized today, as though my heart's empty and just waiting to rot..
But yet,
just like Eunice, I actually am hopeful and deep down I know it's a good thing.
Doesn't make sense?
Well, it doesn't need to. We're freaking Arts students!
I hope next year I'll be able to hold on to my A level cert with pride,
No D or Es, only A, B and Cs!

Anyways,
Thanks to my nice senior Samantha, for cheering me up tonight.
She said she asked Mr Chng before whether he knew her junior and surprisingly his impression of me was a 'highly potential A student, smart + hardworking'
^^
I never knew Mr Chng had such high hopes for me..
that really made my day =D
I guess I won't and can't let him down..

"There is have to have a darkness for the dawn to come"

This is only the beginning..

2010-03-02T21:05:00.002+08:00

I'm bored..

I agree with the advertisment.
It is indeed hard to notice something one isn't looking for.
Sometimes our focus is placed on the wrong issues, and we miss out the good things that just pass us by without us even knowing..

What A Pity..

2010-03-01T19:39:00.003+08:00

I feel happy/sad/confused/lost/weird..

I finally finished my homework! xD
yay!
I feel like drinking some booze..
Cuz..
Ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates re-uptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-amino butyric acid.
And it makes one go 'high'!

^^

"If you can't decide in one day, you can't decide" -Munich

I loved cuz you loved me first,
and I've decided to love you back for as long as it takes :)

2010-02-17T22:23:00.003+08:00

CO orientation with a massive headache

Today didn't go off with a good start I guess..
Felt like vomitting all the time, especially in the morning.. =(
I guess I need to thank Eunice for the panadols and company for lunch! =)

CWO was crap.. practically a waste of time.. I don't even know why this system exists.
I guess the school can't hire enough cleaners.. =.=
Wasted one hour of my life.. zzz

Then, it was the CO orientation organised by the J1s..
I can't believe they actually re-used the 'egg game'..
Since I was the stationmaster of that exact game last year, obviously I'd know how to not make the egg crack..
hah. =.=
Anyways,
I guess after everything, I'm just glad my condition got better compared to the morning.. =D

However,
it is increasingly difficult to hang out with CO peeps..
there are like so many couples in CO now? even Adeline Wing got herself a bf.. =X

Now, it feels really really awkward to be in the middle of couples..
where they hold hands and 'play' with one another, while I just walk alone.. wondering whether I could even hang out with them anymore.. =(
I guess not..

Sebas, Sebas..
Please! Don't succumb to peer pressure.. It's alright to be single.
It's alright to be 'special'.

Though I always hoped my wounds wouldn't reopen whenever I hang out with them..
Hoped I wouldn't feel so dismal
and not so....
what's the word?
Shit

=(

2010-02-16T23:51:00.006+08:00

Drunk? lol

Yeow boon's epicentre (powerful shockwave)!!!

Tau pok!!
Shiva as a dog.. =.=

I think the pics are self-explanatory.. =D

Yes, it's the sex god's birthday drinking party! Vodka ftw!! haha, It was one hell of a night, I don't even remember the last time I laughed so hard.. Smiled like I really meant it. It's been so long since I felt that I'm actually being true to myself and just simply enjoying my life. haha, more pics on fb!

Thanks GUYS!! You guys are the best! seriously damn retarded! LOL, I never fail to be happy around you crazy people.. After I left, I broke down at home after getting scolded by my father, and I asked myself why is my life so different from everyone else.. Why is it I can't please them no matter what.. Why is it that every smile of mine is just a facade..?

I really miss the old days.. really really miss them.. =(

sigh... Too many "why's"..

Too little answers.. =(

2010-02-14T18:33:00.004+08:00

happy CNY/Vday!

It was a rather okay CNY this year,
We played Mahjong, cards and guitar hero on the wii.
Managed to collect $380 hongbao money, which isn't bad already..
Considering that I only went visiting for a day this year.

Well, I guess it's not about the money,
it is really more about the family gatherings..

Although it is kinda of 'sian' to listen to the same comments every year..

"WAH, 洪韬长高了,也瘦了!"

Seriously, people.. you're comparing the current me to the 3 year old baby who has enough fats to squish a mosquito under his very neck..
I am no longer 'dong dong' okay!
No longer the fat chubby baby...! =.=
haha, but of course..
Nobody would be sick of receiving praise and getting good comments all the time! xD

Happy Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day!

2010-02-07T01:16:00.002+08:00

Relational Conflicts..

After today's talk on love, life and sex.. I was sent into a very thoughtful mood, where I did some self-reflection and wondered..
"How is it that whenever I get into a conflict with another person, the relationship we used to share will never become the same again?"

I came to a conclusion that I actually never solved any of my relational conflicts with others around me.. I just left it dangling in the air and it remained that way forever. (with a few exceptions of course, like my family members etc.. )
Main point is,
I am too afraid to settle conflicts, to ease tensions and reach a mutual understanding. I have chosen to avoid, to run, rather than facing and confronting it.

Most of us don't like to put ourselves in the vulnerable position of telling someone that they've hurt us. Many of us are held back because that sounds too confrontational. Let's face it: many of us grew up not learning how to solve relational conflict in a mature way. However, when it is done right, the relationship is not only restored; it's deepened.

We think it's better not to confront the people who we're in conflict, and all this bitterness and resentment builds up inside us. We think it's okay to talk about others about the problem we're having with so-and-so, but we never go straight to the source. Thus, we become guilty of slander or gossip. Even if what we say is true, it's still gossip. And if it's false, it's slander. It wouldn't be fair to go around to everyone else poisoning his or her opinion of that person.

But how easy is it to say to those who have hurt us,
"I was hurt by that, can we talk about it?"
It's not easy to admit that our feelings have been hurt.

We can procrastinate, deny that we're hurt or we can withdraw, or even try to act like good friends still and pretend nothing's wrong, but those things don't heal even the smallest cracks of a broken relationship.

I realise I'm bogged down in gossip, slander and strife.. guilty of not being able to solve conflicts.. choosing the path of a coward, disillusioned by thinking that unsolved conflicts won't affect me..

Sometimes, it's the small issues, the minute cracks and the unspoken thoughts and feelings that creates these 'scars' in our life..

2010-02-04T20:40:00.004+08:00

70 times 7..

hello helloo!
Perhaps it's this inner desire of me, this part of me that I'm simply yearning to share that has made me decide to 'revive' my blog..
It's been so long since I last blogged.. mainly because I've been so caught up with block tests and school affairs. Moreover, moving into my new house has given me much unwanted trouble and annoyance, and brought about a large extent of inconvenience.

First things 1st,

The Block tests are finally over!

Hist-C
Econs-C
Maths-C
E Lit-D
GP-E

I think I actually did quite alright, considering the fact that I didn't study at all during the school holidays, and keeping in mind that I almost forgot how to use a pen! (yes, that bad.. ), I think I should give glory to God for it is in His grace that I can still keep my "Pass everything" status albeit the very long 'break' during last year of end holidays.

Though it's still Cs and Ds, I know that I can do even better! God is our provider and has promised the best for us. I still believe in miracles, even Shasila praised me for the first time! That, itself is purely a miracle.. :)

I have always wanted her praise and acknowledgement, and she has given me immense encouragement, I never thought I would see this coming for real. (A once childish dream of being praised by every teacher that taught me)

I really want to do well this year, because I only get one shot, just one.

Secondly,

The book of Matthew 18:21-22 really inspired me.
70 times 7.
Jesus said we have to forgive others 70 times 7 times, not just being satisfied with 7 times, hoping that we can get away by forgiving only once a day, in every week. Although 7 is the holy number, God's numerical figure, 7 is simply not enough. We have to keep forgiving others as many times as it takes, despite all the wrongs and sins committed.

Forgiveness is still a lesson worth learning, especially when it comes to forgiving oneself I guess.

So for tonight, admist my pensive state..
I will learn to forgive.

2010-01-07T18:50:00.003+08:00

Cleaning up..

Today I feel accomplished as I've finally managed to get my ass moving to pack my room! =D
Along the way, I found so much stuff, stuff that I thought was gone forever..
One of them is my favourite sketch book! Where I used to draw pictures in it when I was still studying in primary school.. I decided to post some of the 'nicer' ones although they still look ugly.. =x
but hey, I was still in primary school then...

Yeah, that's cloud from FFVII! =)

haha, memories...

Today I learnt that the past and shadow of our lives is very similar to fertilizers.

Fertilizers is very simply put, shit. What kind of shit, I don't know and I don't wanna know.

However, fertilizers are useful and necessary for plants to grow. Without fertilizers, plants won't be able to grow as well.. Thus, we all need fertilizers/shit to grow.

What doesn't kill you really makes you stronger..

2010-01-06T01:09:00.003+08:00

New Year Resolutions!

I never seriously thought much about my new year resolutions.. In fact, I think I never even made any serious commitment or any attempt to attain my resolutions..
And I guess what my cell group members said make sense. "If you can't even remember what new year resolution you made, it means you didn't take it seriously, let alone thought about accomplishing it."
So!
I want to make a few new year resolutions, and I want to try my very best to achieve them! =D
*In no particular order*

1) Learn how to be CALM
I'm the guy who panics and freaks out easily everytime something goes wrong. I always get cold feet whenever I'm nervous and I tend to take things TOO seriously.
I want to learn how to let go and let loose. And most importantly, BE CALM
Life is already so fast-paced, I have to learn and force myself to always be calm and take things slow and steady. The tortoise and the hare fable exists for a reason.. To remind us to take life one step at a time, rushing through is not the way to live our lives.
I have to stop being the hare and learn how to be a tortoise: To be Calm and Steady

2) Abolish Schadenfreude
Schadenfreude is defined as satisfaction or pleasure at someone else's misfortune.
This german word derives from Schaden, "adversity, harm", and Freude, "joy".
We are all guilty of it. We feel good when others suffer because we know that there is someone out there in a worst plight than you and it actually gives a certain degree of comfort.
It is arguably human nature, a part of us we can't get rid of. However, I want to get rid of it or at least attempt to. I don't want to be tied down by human intelligence.. I want to see life from God's perspective, from the spiritual realm, where God made everyone to be special.
I know this will be hard.. But I'm willing to try!

3) Be less selfish
I want to be less self-centered this year. To live for helping and serving others is something I haven't tried in a while.
Instead of starting every convo with "I...."
I want to start it with "You.."
Instead of "Let's go to the canteen cuz I'M hungry!"..
I want it to be "Are you guys hungry? Shall we go to the canteen and grab a bite?"
Stop being the attention seeker, and start being a 'true friend'
ok, this is hard too. Since humans are self-centered to begin with, but I'll try!

4) Grow closer to the Lord
I want to be more like him, this year's a very very important year to me. There will be ups and downs. There will be pain and joy. And I know that He has been faithful and has always been by my side. I hope to do the same too; to spend time with him just like how he always stayed with me.

Lastly,

5) Be less shy, and be more vocal
Hopefully, this year.
The 'old me', the wallflower me..
One who does not socialize or participate in activities at social events..
One who stays close to a wall and out of the main area of social activity..
Will be reborn this 2010!
I'm a quiet guy by nature..
But maybe it's time I give myself a proper voice.

Looking back at the pictures I took from the beginning of last year to year end, I know I have changed, in a positive way of course. In both looks and inner self, I am renewed. =D
This year, I'll be new!
New Year, New Life!!

2010-01-05T23:07:00.004+08:00

My phone's dead.. Again?

Sigh.. My phone just died today without warning or any reason.
Just hope the warranty can fix up my baby.. =(
So yup,
guess I'm back to w910i AGAIN..

Well,
Apart from that, I think I've had a really great time today watching Bodyguards and Assassins!
Might be watching it with my godsisters again next monday!! xD
I really love the way each character come together to protect and fight for their country.
Every character has a different life story, different backgrounds, but they unite under one goal: To defend the future of their homeland.
I love the way how the film takes every opportunity just to remind you who and what these people are fighting for.
and the violence is always awashed with the tragedy, not just thrill.. So that there's an emotional punch to the film, making it not your ordinary action thriller, where you just mindlessly watch blood spew all over the place.

5/5! A must watch film!

And to the idiot who gave up her Aino, Satio, T715 and iPHONE3Gs for a stupid Nokia E63:
I know that you can calculate the area of a bloody heart, IF it doesn't curve at the sides.. bleh! hehe, thanks for agreeing to come out with me, and not pang seh-ing me at the last min! Looks like this teaches me not to take anything for granted.
Anything can happen, and I agree with you..
Today's a great day and a few turn-offs won't kill anyone.
Though my phone's dead....
I can choose to mourn over it and let it ruin my day, or I can choose to be happy that at least my contacts, my music files, my photos are still intact and I still have my old phone available to use.

Life's all about choices.. So I guess I'll have to start on my homework... And start PACKING up my bloody room soon before I move into my new house next week.

Maybe it's time to clean up the mess of my life!

2010-01-03T00:23:00.006+08:00

happy new year!

It's been an awesome year! And celebrating it has been nothing but fun, fun, fun!!
It was the 1st time I stayover-ed at a girl's house for new year countdown.
slept in the same room somemore.. Did we sleep on the same bed?
Don't think so right? I can't remember...
oops =x
haha but it was fun though!! =D
if you two are reading this, you guys should be honoured k!! haha

Then it was Shumin's 21st birthday chalet!! Happy 21st Godsis!!
Had even MORE fun! Especially when I kept on winning in Mahjong!! haha xD
2 Stayovers in a week is seriously OVERKILL...

Then we went to Marina Barrage to fly kites and take jump shots also!! haha
fun, fun FUN!
Really love the view there!!

L-O-V-E!!

C-H-E-R!!

me and sihui, my other godsis! =D

The 'supposedly' wedding shot =.=..

But I like this picture though. Very nice colour scheme

Aiyah, lazy to post pictures already..

Rest on fb..

Happy 2010!!

2009-12-29T03:09:00.007+08:00

Avatar 3D

Finally watched Avatar 3D! and it was really awesome!! Although had headaches after that..
The movie was rather nice actually, quite different from how I expected it to be..

Then we went to the ladies' place for mahjong.. Only to find underwear and other disturbing stuff lying all around their rooms... =X

*Shan't blog about that any further*

Ok, afterwards we went to Imperial Treasure Restaurant in Ion for late lunch! =D

Which I should really thank their mother huh, who gave us a treat there xD

Next time can go there eat already, haha

The food there is actually quite nice =D

Yeah laugh, whatever. It was their idea luh.. I'm just an innocent victim >.<

Then headed home after that, cuz I felt unwell and super tired..

So I didn't go to Junxi's house in the end..

But oh wells, I had enough fun for the day! =D

Now, I'm REALLY BROKE... ='(

2009-12-28T00:27:00.006+08:00

I'm broke!

Saturday

After watching Sherlock Holmes and playing pool with CO ppl on sat, I now have a big hole in my wallet!
But it was really fun though, too bad Chen Lao Shi couldn't stay.. Well, at least we helped her celebrate her birthday. I agree with Chee Chiang, sometimes.. the movie and things we do doesn't matter at all.
It's the company that matters. =)
and I learnt that Suyi is actually quite violent... =x

It was one unforgettable night, especially the PIZZA HUT meal!! haha xD

Sunday

Looks like my hole just got bigger!!! Went to double CO concerts today, one in Esplanade (PAYCO) and another in SCH (BHCO).. now really broke already... >.<

Even though it was rather awkward.. I actually enjoyed myself.

Thank you Sze Min for inviting me to watch the concert =) even though it's just the two of us..

Next time if you have extra CO tickets can ask me go! haha xD

And if you manage to record your own composed song "The Playground", must remember to send it to me! I know this is the 3rd time I'm saying it! haha xD

Then went together with Shi Wee and her friend to BHCO concert.

Didn't know she went for PAYCO concert, it was such a coincidence that we actually managed to meet.

I guess two CO concerts are too much for me..

Super tired after everything.. But it was fun though =D

sigh,

Currently cui and broke... >.<

2009-12-25T23:31:00.008+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

THANK GOD for being so great to me.. I actually recovered from my illness and was in good condition to perform for RGT (Renewal Got Talent!)

Though SiHui spotted my bloodshot eyes easily... =x
THANK GOD I still had enough energy to perform
Here's a video that my dad took of our performance!
MUG MY WORDS!!!

hmmm.. not the best video, but it's the only one I've got now..
We got 2nd!! WOOO!
It was really fun to perform with them!! ^^

More pics on fb! Lazy to upload! To Angie and Yuenman, thanks for coming to our gathering!

Wouldn't be fun without you!

This year has been special, and this Christmas is cool too.. I never expected anyone to get me Christmas presents, but it seems like I got quite a few this time round.

Thank you all who got me Christmas presents ^^

But more importantly, thank you God

for your never-ending and forever lasting love.

That is the greatest gift of ALL in this Christmas!

2009-12-24T11:57:00.003+08:00

This Christmas Eve

This Christmas eve..
Sebas couldn't book tickets for Avatar 3D
and didn't get the chance to hang out with friends

This Christmas eve..
Sebas stayed home and decided to be a bloody no-life mugger
and finished writing 3 history essays and completed his maths assignment (well, most of it..)

This Christmas eve..
Sebas has fallen ill.. =(
and gotten slight fever and flu..

This Christmas eve..
Sebas spent it alone cuz his parents were out looking for furniture and sister with her friends
and didn't enjoy the feeling of spamming panadols with no one to look after him

This Christmas eve..
Sebas wishes that tomorrow will be better
and that he can get a speedy recovery and perform his best for RGT

2009-12-23T02:26:00.004+08:00

Destiny @ Paragon

Went to help out in the Destiny performance today.
It was well, fun? ^^
Though I almost went deaf =x
And...!
Compared to HongKong's.. Orchard's lighting isn't that bad
Quite pretty actually, took quite a number of pics..
According to Sarah, I seem to have taken home my 'bad habit' of taking random and unglam candid pictures during in HongKong trip.
Even Jimmy said I looked like a tourist... =.=

The rest on fb.. lazy to post.. So damn tired now.. it's like 3am, (ungodly hour..)

Sigh,

looks like tonight's going to be another one of those sleepless nights

>.<

To think I even realised that her latest post had the exact same youtube video as the 26th sept post.. (maybe she did it on purpose..?)

zzz.. shit la...

Aiya, whatever luhh, I'll learn to get by, to get over the continunal mental reasoning once more.

On a brighter note!

I'm actually quite excited for tomorrow's RGT rehearsal!! =)

Got my passion to perform after watching Destiny bands play today! haha =D

2009-12-21T17:49:00.004+08:00

Accidentally in love

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
as I watch the night turn light blue.
I guess life just isn't the same without you.
I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept well in two days
Cause this loneliness
chills me to the bone
Maybe I'll start to think of you
Because when I think of you
I won't feel so alone.. I don't feel so alone
Yes, that's how you make me feel
When I'm in love with you..

Whatever that happens is not by mistake or by chance..
If it's good, it's wonderful!
If it's bad, it's experience.

heh,
looks like I'm gonna be real busy this week with Church stuff for Christmas.
I REALLY need to squeeze out some time to do my holiday homework.. or I'm seriously going to like flunk my block test next coming Jan =(
Initially wanted to do some yesterday, but had to attend CCHYCO's concert since I bought the tickets and the concert was rather, well cool. Although it was quite sian to hear them play yao zu.. I'm so damn sick of that song.
Ate seafood after that with NYCO peeps and it was really funny to see Chee Chiang eat his 'sexy' gong gongs, haha
And finally reached home at around 1am...
Tired, but I enjoyed myself..
Maybe if I treasure all the small things in life, I won't feel so sad and wasted =)

I guess no matter what the future holds,
I know God has a plan for me.
Even if sometimes, he doesn't seem to answer my prayers or cries.. I still know that HE loves me, and that there are no such thing as 'mistakes' in his dictionary. HE will provide me with the best, always. =)

Praise the Lord, for He is good!
'For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ our Lord.'
-Romans 6:23'
'Cast all your worries on the LORD, because He cares for you.' - 1 Peter 5:7
All things work together for good for those that love God, to those who are called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

In God, I've found everything!
This coming Christmas will definitely be a very special one!

2009-12-15T16:47:00.006+08:00

Memories..
Humans are forgetful creatures, we forget things that happen a long time ago..
Like how people used to look like, the events that occured, what we wear and carry..
As we grow older, we seem to forget more..
But, there's always one thing humans never seem to forget.
And that's emotions.

Perhaps you could forget about how you spent your time with someone you used to love, or maybe even his name.
But when you meet that someone, somehow you light up because you remember how it felt to love that someone.

Memories of our emotions are locked deep inside our brains.
No matter how much we say we forgot how something feels..
In one way or another, we still do remember.

Humans don't forget emotions.

15th Dec,
It's been a while, 2 years to be exact.
and I still remember..
I still remember how special that day was to me..
how my life lit up and how good it felt..
and how proud I was to have you by my side.

I may have forgotten how I used to spend time with you,
or what we used to chat about
but.. I remember how I always made you laugh just by laughing (cuz you find laughing funny =.=)
and how you got into trouble with your parents cuz you were on the phone for the whole night with me until 4am in the morning.
Oh boy, we sure got into a LOT of trouble..
I remember how fun it was being with you, and I really enjoyed your company =)
I'll never forget how you used to make me feel.

Remember this? heh =)

No matter what life has left for us, just so you know.
I won't forget you, ever.
I tried, and I failed terribly.

After so much that happened, in these two years..
I've learnt to move on, and face my life with courage and optimism.
Thanks for teaching me that =D

God's been totally kind to me,
given me the best of friends
given me good health,
and given me challenges and obstacles for me to scale greater heights.
Maybe one day I can be a vessel of blessings to others, just like how you already have touched me and many others in your life. =)

*yes, I DO read your blog too*

haha,
I guess I won't run away anymore!
And I'll try to open myself up to this world once again =)

2009-12-05T00:27:00.005+08:00

Hedgehog's dilemma

I've been thinking.. Am I a hedgehog? and am I suffering from the Hedgehog's dilemma?

What's a hedgehog? Well, it's an animal with many spines on its back. Hostile on the outside, but very warm and loving inside.

This is a hedgehog

The hedgehog dilemma is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs all seek to become close to one another in order to share their heat during cold weather. However, once accomplished, they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp quills. They must step away from one another. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons which they cannot avoid.

The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships.
With the hedgehog's dilemma one is recommended to use moderation in the affairs with others both because it is in self-interest, and also out of consideration for others.

Even though a hegdehog may wish to get close to another hedgehog, the closer they get, the more they injure each other with their spines.
Even after so much has happened.. I'm trying to find that distance that I can get closer to other people and yet avoid hurting them too much..

Well, that justifies the introversion I've been enagaging, and why I've locked myself in, maintaining that safe distance so that no one can hurt me, and that I won't hurt anyone as well.

Maybe I'm meant to be a lone ranger all along.

Sigh, it's really tiring to be in solitude...

I don't know why..

but I really miss you.

I miss having someone to talk to late at nights, someone who can make me smile.

It's been so long..

"If you don't cry when you want to, you are not going to smile."

I guess I have to learn how to let my emotions go, and not bottle everything up..

I don't want to run anymore, I want to face my emotions.

I'd rather be emo than to go totally numb, void of emotions..

God, help me.. I hate this feeling!

2009-12-04T23:49:00.004+08:00

Singapore Flyer

I never dreamt that my first time on the flyer would be with my family..
I always thought of going to the Flyer with my girlfriend or lover, it even sort of became my dream and short term goal. heh, so stupid.
Well, I guess that won't be happening anymore..

Anyway, the Singapore Flyer is seriously quite boring luh... Shouldn't have went at night. Can't even see anything..

It's so damn dark inside the compartment la..

Singapore Flyer also put APEC.. =.=

Aiya, lazy post pictures from camera.. Didn't take many anyway.

I really didn't enjoy myself on the Flyer..

Maybe the company matters.... =(
Anyways, after the Flyer, went to church and then to dinner.

Hahaha, at least my cute nephew managed to entertain me. xD

This is Acelie, my 3 and half year old nephew, super cute and super addicted to his DS.

He won't even touch his food cuz it'd mean sacrificing his playing time.

20 mins later...

So I joined him instead ^^

haha, aiya cheap thrill.. but better than no thrill la.

Really sian today.. I've been feeling gloomy the whole day, don't even feel like socializing..

I wonder why... =(

2009-11-23T18:49:00.002+08:00

Two is better than one?

Boys like Girls- Two is better than one
I remember what you wore on our first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing'
Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember what you wore on our first day
You came into my life and I thought,
"Hey..."
Maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking oooh
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I'll figure it out
With all is said and done

Two is better than one
Two is better than one

I really like this song. Sweet and straight to the point. Just the way I like it.
Today's the 23rd.. Well, it's a special day huh.
It's been one month already... So fast, how time flies.. =)
It's been a very fun and interesting one month..
Maybe.. Two is better than one :)

2009-11-23T08:27:00.010+08:00

Animefest 2009
Went to animefest at suntec on sat with Daniel and Doris. To our dismay, the queue was freakin' long.. it looked like it would take at least 2 hours if we were to queue up. Furthermore, the tickets to enter the animefest were priced at $15 per head.. That's absurd, so costly and so time consuming... =(
Hence, we decided to just walk around and take snapshots of people who are already dressed up and in the anime mood. I think I could settle for that just fine.
Saw A LOT OF BLEACH people, as well as Naruto.. and a lot of other anime characters which I've never met before. Totally felt like the same when I went Tokyo Dome.
Simply Awesome! xD

Ichigo and his half hollow mask ^^ looks cool IMO

I personally like this picture a lot too, although it's a candid picture. It looked rather cool,

Ichigo vs Grimmjow!

I really like his mask.. =)

I think the reason why I took a side view picture was cuz they totally didnt look like the Bleach characters from the front view.. Halibel looked so damn different la.. haha

At least the side view looks real enough :D

Naruto.. probably one of the few better ones I saw around..

I don't know what anime this is.. but looks like Three kingdoms to me.. Their costumes looked cool, so I just took a pic of them. And the lady very chio also. That's why ^^

I know I've seen this anime before.. But just can't remember what is it.. =x

Nice outfit though.

I couldn't take much pictures cuz it's so damn crowded and me, being so small sized and only armed with my handphone.. I wasn't well prepared to take pictures.

I wish I had taken Tobi from naruto and Jecht from FFX.. their costumes were awesome la..

But I didn't get the chance.. ='(

Oh well, next year then. I had fun anyways ^^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't even realise you answered my posts on your blog

Silly me..

I didn't expect you, of all people, to be interested in my blog

I'm so sorry

You should've told me

I had no idea that you went Korea

I could like see you off

Or at least bade you farewell

Now I feel guilty =(

You better talk to me okay

I wanna know how was your trip in Korea ^^

I bet it's be awesome

and yep,

I PROMOTED ^^

so I guess I didn't let you down?

haha

2009-11-21T00:22:00.003+08:00

自己觉得幸福的时候,

不是幸福..

让别人幸福的幸福

才算是真正的幸福..

2009-11-13T21:14:00.003+08:00

My girlfriend's an agent

Watched "My girlfriend is an agent" today! I think it's a really funny movie.
I think it even has the potential to rival Hollywood films such as Johnny English
"My girlfriend is an agent" is like a Korean version of Mr and Mrs Smith la, but funnier. I really enjoyed the movie even though I found the cinema extremely cold and I almost froze to death.

Anyway, if you're reading. Cheer up k? I kept glancing at you during the movie, you like never laugh much de. Don't know whether is cuz you're tired or felt like it was a waste of your time.. =x
I really had fun and thank you for spending your precious time with me. =)
And, oh yes! Thank you for the adorable DOMO kun you gave me! It's so cute! xD
haha, I love it! =)
Next time, if I see your chipmunks.. I'll try to buy for you as well ^^

Okay, I'm off to catch my 2nd movie today,
2012!
=D

2009-11-12T22:09:00.007+08:00

The official end of PW?

I'm kind of feeling rather mixed now... Don't know whether I should feel happy or sad..
Today was the OP exam. It was quite bad, at least that's how I feel... I spoke too fast, and got nervous.. even missed out several parts of my script..
=(

So, after I left the exam venue. I told myself, since it's over. Just forget it bah. No point thinking about the past. And so, I went to celebrate by going Ion shopping =)
Then, it became complicated. Teng ping, my group member, smsed me saying that the school wants to film us tomorrow cuz we did a good job during the dry run and wanted to make us samples for the next year batch.
I was literally stunned at that sms. I didnt know how to react. One moment I feel great cuz we could amend the wrongs we did and give the school a perfect presentation! and yet, I feel sian cuz have to present again, somemore with Q&A session!!!!???

Then, Jian Qiong called me again and said she couldn't go cuz she had to work. And hence, we had to cancel it. Our group can't possibly present with one member missing, and thus, the school chose another group to film instead. =(
So, now.. We don't have to present it again..
Now, I feel disappointed cuz we could've showed the school that our group could do well and we could make history for NY174..
And yet again, I feel happy cuz don't need to present it again.. =)
weird emotions...
Either way, this just shows the chances of us getting A for PW are rather high xD

haha, the sufferings for the past months were worth it, I guess..

Teng ping, if you're reading.. Sorry I couldn't do anything for you. As a brother, I've failed you terribly, please forgive me k? We may have lost that chance to present it perfectly, I think we've already done our best. haha =)
And you finally managed to memorize the script correctly for the first time!!
that calls for a celebration. haha
It was really fun presenting with you. I couldn't have asked for a better group :)

"WE ARE NY174!

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION! Hope you've enjoyed yourselves! =) "

Haha, at least we can relax tmr =)
and I can finally get to watch a movie and enjoy for real. =D
Haven't relaxed for a long time...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*After Teng Ping read my blog*

Tp says:
Duh!
for the first time ever, i actually felt like i have a brother :)
it was an amazing experience that none of us want to go through
from the group that everyone thought is fated to get A and known as the 'strong team'
to a group desperately trying to improve from BE
and to a group that was considered one of the best for OP dry run
yay! :)

*wah so honoured! haha xD*

2009-11-10T00:23:00.004+08:00

Last phase of PW

Finally I'm reaching the final stage of my PW, after these two days. PW will FINALLY be over!! =)
Then I can concentrate on getting my 'life' back. Like go participate in Stomp, take on Cello and drum lessons, there's so much I wanna do...! xD
I want to experience life once more, feel alive once again. I had a rather 'inspiring' talk with one of my old friends tonight and she actually kind of struck me somewhere...

'' yuenman, says:
u still with ur gf?

<<{SeBaStian}>> A for Apple Pie! 疲れる.. says:
...

'' yuenman, says:
its okay

<<{SeBaStian}>> A for Apple Pie! 疲れる.. says:
Erm...

'' yuenman, says:
dont be sad la

<<{SeBaStian}>> A for Apple Pie! 疲れる.. says:
=)

'' yuenman, says:
but i think u still like her

<<{SeBaStian}>> A for Apple Pie! 疲れる.. says:
why leh?

'' yuenman, says:
go for her again

<<{SeBaStian}>> A for Apple Pie! 疲れる.. says:
ah why?

'' yuenman, says:
becuz u seize ur own happiness

<<{SeBaStian}>> A for Apple Pie! 疲れる.. says:
...
well, what if letting go is the best way?
maybe we're not be fated to be together
life isn't exactly like those drama serials, you know..

'' yuenman, says:
hmmm..
life is not drama.. not any thing tt describes it!! life is about how u control it
haha

<<{SeBaStian}>> A for Apple Pie! 疲れる.. says:
wah, so chim... xD

'' yuenman, says:
Of cuz
im so proud.
LOL

<<{SeBaStian}>> A for Apple Pie! 疲れる.. says:
er... why you think i still like her leh

'' yuenman, says:
becuz
i always put myself into other ppl's shoes
and i think u still do
and partly becuz i sumtimes cant let go off my ex tooo

<<{SeBaStian}>> A for Apple Pie! 疲れる.. says:
Oh...

'' yuenman, says:
actually u know
im very sad now
but i can still laugh
i feel like im crazy
srry its past midnight.. i start to talk nonsense
HAHAHA

<<{SeBaStian}>> A for Apple Pie! 疲れる.. says:
Nvm, I also crazy at night de (:

Surprisingly, she got me there.
Seize your own happiness huh.. what a vague and grey term indeed..
Oh wells, it was fun talking to her.
I found out that humans are weak, as we are after all, emotional creatures. However, there has to be a limit to human weakness, one must grow after all.
But, once in a while, we're 'allowed' to be weak. ^^

sigh... I'm just so tired..
last lap le! Must buck up!

2009-11-08T23:05:00.006+08:00

Forgiveness is choosing to see your offender with different eyes

Today was a very enlightening day for me. I experienced much thought-provoking moments that sort of tested my patience and my ability to forgive others. I always knew forgiving was difficult, especially so for me since I tend to be easily influenced by people's harsh remarks and actions. To forgive is to move on, not to think about the offense anymore. Simple ideology but extremely hard to execute.. Just today alone, I was put to the test.

During our bball match with some strangers.. I got my leg sprained *yes, again.. *
thanks to another guy also called "Sebastian" who was totally violent and crude, spamming vulgarities at people as and when he likes. *which is like the opposite of the kind, harmless, and like totally awesome ME?*
This, I simply refuse to accept.
How can such a low-life asshole share the same noble, high-class, top-tier name as ME???
Simply unacceptable! =(
okay, even though it's over. I still retain those fiery emotions I had when I was so mad at him, I simply couldn't forgive him. Their gang was horrible la, even knocking down Ethel without helping her up.. tsk
''Don't worry, we'll take revenge for you one day!!"
But, through this.. I realized forgiving is really hard. Humans being emotional creatures are always first affected by their feelings. I was still angry at them even until I reached home and sat at the dining table for dinner. It was only until I realized my moods was affecting the whole atmosphere then I decided that this was a test and I should go back to 'normal' mode. It was really selfish of me, letting the surrounding people suffer cuz I'm simply too selfish and unable to control my emotions..
I really need to work harder! =)

Also, Alina told me that I was nice and caring, and it was a very good trait to have. And it actually doesn't translate to weakness. I actually found it rather comforting. Haven't really heard it for a long time. Thank you =)
Maybe one day I'll break out of my shell and be brave once more, maybe one day I'll find that someone again, like you said.
Maybe that one day will come sooner than I expected (:
I always thought being kind will bring no benefits in this cruel world, in this selfish world we live in, driven by wealth and power. People have become selfish over time, personal status above all.
Maybe despite the betrayals and rejections in life, the world can only be cured by true kindness and concern. Thank you for affirming me today, much appreciated.
And yes, I do know how it's like to be very busy. =)
I know I very understanding de. haha xD
加油!

*anyways, just being random. I bought a new gundam with Daniel! xD
After my house is renovated finished, I'm going to invest in it and deco my room.
just like him haha xD *

2009-10-25T01:52:00.003+08:00

I am a noob...?

Today, someone called me a noob, and even til now, I don't even know the reason why she called me that. =.=
True la, maybe it's cuz I'm really blur and clumsy..
But, being called a noob by someone significantly shorter than me,
someone obviously 'blur-er' than me is rather hard to swallow huh. xP
haha, I feel so mean =X
*eh, at least I accompanied you all the way to bedok, k? haha
and I even got my left arm injured cuz I accidentally hit the MRT door in Bedok station. =.= *
But anyways, I had fun hanging out with you today. Thanks for your company (:
- Don't run away from home already hor -

2009-10-23T20:51:00.002+08:00

Promote?

Today, the dreadful results of the Promotional Exams came out.
To my surprise, I didn't fail any subject.
Contrasting that to my mid year triple U results, I think I've actually made quite an improvement. Haha (:
From being the one that Mrs Roy 'advised' to drop Econs to now the guy that can score decently in Econs.
From being one of those in class that failed 3 H2 subjects to now the one passing all 3 h2 subjects.
Praise the Lord, for making my life a miracle.
I really owe my results to so many people who helped me along the way, going the extra mile for me and spending quality time with me. I wouldn't have improved if I didn't have help from others.
I will work harder!! Definitely..!

If my mid years don't pull me down, I'll promote to J2! (:

2009-10-08T16:25:00.003+08:00

How does it feel when everyone around you is fake?

Answer: Watch Surrogates

I had fun yesterday hanging out with Yeow Boon and Marcus, it's been so long since I really went out, where the only reason is just to have fun. I didn't even know amk hub's arcade had the new gundam machine can.. It looked so uber cool and awesome.
Surrogates is really a good movie. It's so scary to know that everyone around you isn't who they are, and everyone's made out of scrap metal and plastic coverings.. o.o
Then again, it isn't so different from this world we live in anyways.. sigh..

I think I'm a really lucky child to have such great parents. God has given me the best parents I could ever wish for. Even if anything happens to me, I know my parents will always have my back and support me in every way possible, and I'll never forget that.

After my paper yesterday, I tried to smile and look happy even though I know my possibility of retaining is very high. I had bottled up my feelings and encapsulated my own emotions, putting on a false front to others, especially my parents, because I didn't want to let them down and disgrace them. A retainee in the family, how shameful! If I were still in MSHS, I'll be a laughing stock for the rest of my life..! Being 'emo' is not something that school tolerates, you're not even 'allowed' to cry in class.
Smile even if it kills you, let no one know your heart because the heart is weak.
That's maris stella for you.

I guess I couldn't fool my parents after all. They saw through my pathetic 'act' and said to me, "If God wants you to retain. It means he has a more awesome and greater plan for you. Everything has a reason. Let us share your burden, don't shoulder everything on yourself. It doesn't make you strong, it makes you look weak. Our strength lies in God. If you're retaining, we're going to be very proud of you, just like how we've always been :) "
*hug*
I love my family, so much (:

So yup, I've decided to take on a less stressful life.
Regardless of how people view me, I don't care.
I have my family and most importantly, my heavenly father.
I will never be judged and even if I fall, my strength comes from them. I will never be alone.
Hence, I shall destroy the surrogate of my life and watch One Piece now. ahhaha

retain then retain LOR!
haha
haha

2009-10-02T16:33:00.002+08:00

1 down, many more to go...!

Jordin Sparks- Tattoo

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later, I'll get what I'm asking for
No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger Soul is in danger,
I gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind

[Chorus]
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you, I'll always have you)

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could
Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you I'll always have you)

[Bridge]
If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do

Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you

Remember this..? heh, memories.. this song always reminds me of you somehow, the first song you introduced to me was this very song. I bet you forgot, hah.
Anyways, Today was the first paper of the dreaded promos. I don't think I'll do well for it though.. May not even pass... :(
Will this be the beginning or the end? sigh..
God, I leave my results to you entirely. If I'm really doomed to retain, so be it.
At least I tried, at least I did my best within this time period, at least I won't have any regrets even if it really happens :)
Alright, I should seriously go back to my studies.
I'm Just a little, no, VERY
Sick.Of.Studying.
!!

haha =.=

2009-09-24T00:02:00.004+08:00

I miss those 'really old days'..

"Each time people mention about my past, I'll think about you.
I do miss all the phone calls and stuff, maybe nothing can be the same. There was a reason for everything that happened I guess.. Well, I think still you're awesome. Hahaha yes :D
I'm thankful.
Okay God, I know you have an even more awesome plan for Seb.
Can't wait for you to work it out.

ps. I know, today's the 15th. "

Those were your exact words..
I don't know what's wrong with me but lately, I've been dreaming about you. You're always associated with red flowers and the 'blue sky', Blue.. your fav colour still? yes? :)
I couldn't help but wonder how's your life coming along?
heh, you always give me the impression life's woes and troubles can never bother you.
Perfect image of a liberated soul, seizing every moment to smile, never letting setbacks drag you down. How envious.. haha :)

As I read those above words. I couldn't help but wonder whether your prayer for me.. This 'awesome plan' God has in stall for me.. Is it coming soon? Am I as awesome as you put me to be? Will I be able to live up to people's expectations of me?

heh, can't seem to pick myself out of this lugubrious mood, even my words seem so tenebrous.. Haha, the stress of a 'JC life'..
so they say.

How long has it been.. nearly 2 years huh..
How time flies... It feels like only yesterday where your smile captured my heart..
Oh wells, :)
at least life's been kind to you. I'm glad (:
We should catch along sometime huh, although you're still famous for being 'overly-busy'.
That's so you. Hah.
I'm also thankful.
For shaping me and molding.. Making me who I am.
You're still a part of me.
And I'm still proud of that fact. (:

If God has an awesome plan for me.
Then I have nothing to worry about! (:
hehe =D

8 days left.. !
I'm so excited..
I want to show the world what I'm made of !
Cuz I'm gonna promote!!!
and I will :)

2009-09-20T17:15:00.002+08:00

Roy's syndrome

Today after 1st service, En Han asked me a question, which til now I find difficulty in answering it.
"If you could only do one thing that you are very confident in from now til promos, what would it be? What aspect of your life would you focus on? Academic? Spiritual? Health? Or maybe even, Entertainment?"

I struggled to answer simply because, I don't know what I'm focusing on.. I seem so busy all the time, trying to do everything at the very limited time I have. Even when I'm studying, I don't know how to effectively allocate my time and resources into studying other subjects.. Thus, I tend to neglect my other subjects.. Good example would be my Maths.. =X

I'm having the Roy's syndrome.
I can't organise my time properly, and yet, I'm so ambitious. I become unrealistic in my targets and I've placed emphasis on the wrong things..
I need to think less complex, and think more simple, where 1 + 1 =2

If I were to focus on one thing for this promos, studies > all others. I have my discarded emotional barriers just for this..
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. .

I want to do well for this promos! (:

2009-09-15T15:49:00.004+08:00

If life sucks..

Last night, I experienced the 1st asthma attack since eight years ago.. I had forgotten how it feels like to have your life so heavily dependent on a ventolin machine, or even a small object like the inhaler.. My life was hanging on a thread last night.. I couldn't breathe and as I lay in bed, all I could see was a patch of white, and as I gasped for oxygen.. I thought I was going to die.
Like die. Literally.

haha, I never knew it was that scary.. Guess I'm turning white soon..
My inhaler was something that only collects dust in my drawer in the past.
Now it is my life source... How ironic.
Sigh, I couldn't even walk 300m properly without struggling... :(

After I 'recovered', I had a nice chat with my mum about 'something' and it got me thinking...
If someone treats you badly, does it mean that person is evil?
If someone is insensitive and unreasonable, does it mean that person is at fault?
If someone misunderstands you, does it mean you are not in the wrong at all?

... oh wells,
on a brighter note!
my phone died yesterday! (:
and I just got a new WHITE phone! :)

haha, I shall choose to be happy even if i suffer daily.
I choose to see the good in people always :)

2009-09-14T19:44:00.003+08:00

Letters with words left unsaid..

When I was packing up my table, I found a letter that I had written in June and it was for ******
..which I did not give to her, there were many others with it..
it contained my true feelings, emotions and 'rantings'?
and.. many others that will never be revealed.
After reading them, I couldn't believe I had actually written such words before, it was simply shocking and even amusing to a certain extent..
I realised that I have outgrown the past. I have moved on and changed quite a fair bit.
Although the past seems vaguely familiar, I doubt I can ever go back to those days again..
Even if I live with regret and sorrow, I will be strong and get over it somehow!

"The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.
What can Man do to me?" - Hebrews 13:6

With only 18 days left to Promos, I can't afford to fall now!

2009-09-06T21:43:00.002+08:00

MSHS vs NYJC
After returning to mshs on teacher's day, and even performing for founder's day.
I couldn't help but compare my life in that school with the life I lead now in NYJC.
It seems to be a trend or some sort, we all want to get out of the school we are currently studying in and embrace the future with hope, but when we reach there.. somehow we just can't help but wish we could return to the past..

Comparison between MSHS & NYJC
MSHS
-toilet like shit..
-NO AIR CON!!!
-NO GIRLS to look at...
-CANTEEN FOOD is inedible, even pigs spit them out..

NY
+toilet damn clean..
+AIR CON TOO COLD...
+quite a lot of girls to look at la... =x
+Canteen food counted not bad already

BUT, somehow in MSHS,
I'm able to be more 'myself', not having to care about self image, not having to care about how I present myself cuz nobody would judge me.
Even if I'm judged, the guys there just don't give a damn. LOL
I met the best friends I could ever wish for, and through all pains and sufferings I endured in that hell-hole, I learnt how to enjoy myself in setbacks. With my friends,
I laughed and smiled every single schooling day (:

Marists 101
1.know how to 'suan' teachers/make fun of them/make their lives hell
2.know how to 'pon' lessons/ CCA
3.know how to be late
4.know how to spam vulgarities

Every marist knows these 'rules', and a true marist would know how to do all of the above.
I was once un 'suan-able' in mshs, I was once the guy that would have difficulty not saying the 'f word' everyday in school. I would always get caught for my long and COLOURED hair.. And I could command so much respect just by going back mshs and playing the drums for them.

NOW, I've been 'reduced' to this state.
I let others 'suan' me so easily.. I don't say the 'f word' often nowadays.. I don't even have any damn hair now can!!
Also, I feel that I dont have any respect in this school.. Everyone feels so 'plastic' to me.. ):
Politics, backstabbing, gossiping, etc..

I have become so nice that I don't even feel like myself anymore..
Maybe I've become so nice, that people like to take advantage of me..

Maybe it's time I learnt to say NO,
while displaying the 'Marist Spirit', adding a few lines of vulgarities behind it! (:
haha xD

2009-09-02T23:33:00.002+08:00

I'm so tired... zz

I really shouldn't be blogging but I guess I should take a break,
after chionging PW for 6 hours straight.. My brains are getting fried.. o.o..

Anyways, thank you God for showing to me that I still can do well in JC.
Maybe the miracle you promised me will surface soon..

Today, I passed my first lit assignment (16/25) and I even got a B grade. xD
Also, today I got my first full marks paper (Maths) ever since Primary school.
I never managed to get any paper with full marks in Secondary school before, let alone getting a test back with full marks in JC.. xD
Even though it's only H1..
but still! It's not bad already, considering the time I spent on my Maths..
However, today I failed my hist assignment by a little bit.. ):
Oh well, it's kind of expected since I didn't even finish it.. =X

*okay, break over.*
Back to pw!
... zzz
:(

2009-08-31T00:37:00.003+08:00

I am guilty..

Do I remind you
Of the pain
That he put you
Through, girl
Is that the reason
I'm to blame
Before I do it
Is it because he
Treated you badly
I always stand accused
Protecting yourself
From somebody else
I'm not
Who's hurting you girl

And it's
Killing me girl
Knowing you
Compare me to him
Always guilty
Before the sin
I can't win
I can't win no

(Chrous)
I'll do anything
To prove I love you
Baby girl
But I refuse to
Pay for something
I didn't do
I love you, girl
But I refuse to stay
Paying for his mistakes

(Verse 2)He left a scar
Across your heart
I understand, girl
Don't let his wrongs
Tear us apart
Cause girl
I'm your man
Just because he did
You swear
I'm cheating
You think
I just don't care
Why must I do time
For another man's crime
Girl you know
That ain't fair

And it's
Killing me girl
Knowing you
Compare me to him
Always guilty
Before the sin
I can't win
No I can't win

(Chrous)I'll do anything
To prove I love you
Baby girl
But I refuse to
Pay for something
I didn't do
I love you, girl
But I refuse to stay
Paying
For his mistakes

(Bridge)
I know
He did you wrong
But tell me what does
That have to do with me
Trying to show you
Something real
Figure out
What is going on
Before you look up
And I'll be gone

(Chrous)Oh I'll do anything
To prove I love you
Baby girl
But I refuseTo pay for something
I didn't do, girl
I love you
And I love you
I love you

(Chrous)I'll do anything
To prove I love you
Baby girl but I refuse
To pay for something
I didn't do, no
I love you, girl
But I refuse to stay
Paying
For his mistakes

2009-08-29T23:43:00.003+08:00

A Photogenic Life

"Why must I always wear different masks wherever I go?"

I am so sick and tired of my life. Who can help me tear away these masks of mine that are lingering in my skin? Why must I play the role of a strong son in front of my parents, a smart student in front of my school teachers and a contended person in front of my classmates? Why must I keep telling everyone around me that I am the best, by putting on the mulitple masks of disguise for different people?

I looked into the mirror and I realised that I couldnt recognise myself. My relfection was of a faceless soul, awaiting the next mask to be placed on.

Why are we always trying to pose for the best posture for the camera, when we know we can never change anything... ?

What if you have no tomorrow to look forward to?

Low Kay Hwa, supposedly Singapore's no 1. best selling author, really has a way of connecting with people, especially teenagers. I really like his books luh..

2009-08-28T21:45:00.003+08:00

True heroes never lead good lives..

After watching the movie "Blood Diamond" today, I feel so unjust and upset.. because Danny Archer (Leonardo DiCaprio) died while trying to change the world.. True heroes really are admirable, they sacrifice themselves and are willing to be misunderstood. That selflessness and kindness, is something I wished I had... ):

I want to be a hero!! (:

Although the ending was rather depressing..
I also found it really touching.
Especially the part when the father hugged his son.
Although the son, being a child soldier, has killed countless people, taken so many lives..
his father still forgives him, simply because he is his son.
I felt tears prick my eyes at that scene...

"I am your father and you are my son. Always. I will love you, always.."

I was reminded of the biblical story "The Prodigal Son" in Luke 11:15-32
The son, belonging to a very rich family, decided to leave the house while taking a huge sum of money with him to waste his fortune on wild living. He squandered it all, and fell so low.. that he even had to steal food from pigs in farms. One day, he was reminded of his father and decided to go back to his father. His father, upon seeing his return, was overjoyed and did not care how he looked like or how much he had let him down. To him, his son has returned and that's all that matters. They embraced and a party was a thrown to celebrate his return.

God, I know you used the movie to talk to me.
Father, I am your son.. I'm sorry for all the sins I've committed.
All those times I let you down.. All those times I gave in to the devil..
Still, you came and embraced me in your arms.. And told me you love me.

Even though I know very well that an idiot like me doesn't deserve any of this.

2009-08-24T15:42:00.004+08:00

Domo Kun~!! >.<
I'm in a totally foul mood right now, I feel like ranting out loud. I don't care anymore.

"If humans didn't have any emotions, would this world be a better place?" Discuss.

I totally agree with the statement. Emotions = emotional luggage.
They only weigh people down, bring out the worse of people.
They make people suffer, impair their ability to perform well.
This is why we rather use machinery instead of human labour.
Humans have emotions, machines do not, and they perform much better than humans.

A simple example.
Today, I woke up, feeling excited.
It's a brand new day!! Yay! What a glorious day the Lord has made!! Amen!!
However, I received four knife-stabs today that really dampened my entire day..
killing off every trace of joy on my face
伤得遍体鳞伤..

First thing in the Morning,
Acers day dance...

[xxxx goes on stage]
seb: *reminded of something*
*stabs!*

"If a guy with a machine gun runs into college and starts shooting at everyone. Who will be the one you want to make sure is safe and by your side?"

seb: *gets the hidden meaning*
*stab stab!*

"But I don't think you'll want to know the answer."

seb: *answer is affirmed*
*stab stab and FUCKING STAB!*

"If only he knew.."

seb: *throws his phone into the bin*
*stab.. stab, eh.. There's nothing left to stab..*

All because of what we call emotions, it weighed me down.
Now I have decided that I will fail tomorrow's Econs test.. because I have lost my motivation, that excitement to push myself forward..
I really can't pick myself up... It hurts so bad... so bad..
If only I didn't have emotions.. I wouldn't be crying right now despite knowing it's not worth the time.
If only I didn't have emotions.. I'll be able to promote..

:(
at least domo kun's here with me.
He's really cute! xD

God, won't you just end my life..? sigh..

Anyways, Rest in peace Kim II Jung!

2009-08-23T21:04:00.004+08:00

How to stop?

What we had was something special.
Deep down from our hearts.
But now I have to go away.
And leave you from my heart.

What is this feeling?
It comes on and off as it pleases.
Giving me headaches and taking all ease.

I thought I finally received a break.
Only to see the sun fall.
My eyes will not see what they longed to see.
My lips will not taste what they longed to taste.
Why does life have to be like this?
Full of hatred and pain,
Instead of joy and bliss.

Yet, in the lonely nights
Comforting myself that I'm still normal.
Sebastian, I tell myself.
This is life

I won't lose that ray of hope..

not now~!

2009-08-22T02:09:00.003+08:00

Thank you, Yun Xuan

I will be strong, despite these setbacks.
It only affirmed me that I took the right path.
Thanks Yun Xuan, we took turns 'comforting' and giving advice to each other. haha xD
But I really appreciate every single word you said to me. I take advice seriously de (:

I just realised that I'm actually smiling quite a lot in school even though I have been facing "problems" regarding my emotional side.
These smiles aren't plastic or fake. They're real.

Lol, Mr Kellett's expressions never change at all.. o.o
amazing.
I have excellent classmates that are really caring.
Though not the brightest, but definitely a very fun group.
I certainly enjoy my current class a lot, although I miss the 'old days'..
But the past will never return no matter how much I 'mourn'.
It's time to move on.

With optimism, I shall embrace the world once more.

2009-08-21T20:18:00.006+08:00

Tragedy of the 21st..

Today, the 21st.
A mix of feelings, joy, anger,
sadness, and guilt.. coupled with some pain.
I laugh with you, not at you.

Domo kun~, Parade square.
My mind starts to drift. where? You.
Feign insouciance by way of a smirk. Because I can.

Econs lecture, Unemployed.
Beep, I check my phone; 9.43a.m.
A lie!
I refuse to comply. Because I can.

Blood diamond. Civil war.
I still float towards you. why? Damn.
I lock the gate, toss the keys, and smile. Because I can.

Before you were mine. High heels.
Once more she appears. Who? Angel.
I panic, but still I avert her gaze. Because I can.

I see pain, I see me.
I blind myself to avoid disgust.
I stand before the White Cross, in black.
Epilepsy. Trembling, yet passionate.
I say a prayer.
Please, Stop your crying now.
Stop living another day in disguise.
The drums start beating, the war begins.
*Looks up*
How about now? I think not. Because I can't.
How tragic.

Today, I lost a friend..

2009-08-20T00:11:00.003+08:00

Dear Norman

Does my ability to sense demons and devils scare you?
Does the truth about the constant betrayal I experienced entice you to "pitying me"?
Does my parochial language, narrow view of life, regressive and pessimistic emotions surprise you?
Does my 'fake smile' deceive you?
Has the injustice of my past made me 'vindictive'?
Is my heart, 'cheated of deformity'?
What is it I seek?
...When will my "dawn" arrive?

OK, enough dramatic monologue
I think yesterday's analysis of me made me little 'cranky'.
I feel like doing more further analysis on myself..
Basically, I feel that I'm a template person but yet, very complex as well.
I dislike rules to the core, but ironically, I find them highly necessary in our lives.
I always strive to break as many rules possible, whenever opportunity presents itself, cuz I love it. However, I still feel that we all need rules to survive..
Rules offer stability and order in our lives. If we all were to break every single rule, doing what we like to do, and not what may be good for us, it will lead to our doom eventually.
None can escape the inevitable fact that what we like, may not be what is good for us.

As I explore myself deeper, into the depths of the unknown,
On a conquest with a blurred aim, an unclear motive.
It feels like diving.
My path has lost direction, my confidence has abandoned me
The clouds above move closer, looking so dissatisfied..
The ground grew colder,
But the heartless wind kept blowing.. kept blowing..

God,

"Thy word is a lamp onto my feet and a light unto my path.."

I will not forget

Your love for me and yet,

My heart forever is wandering.

Jesus by my guide,

And hold me to your side,

And I will love you to the end.

2009-08-19T23:27:00.003+08:00

Today's the 19th..

After having "lit tuition" with Sarah, I am quite intrigued at how she interprets literature as a subject. Sarah views literature as a revenue for self reflection.. Where she strongly believes that a person's character shapes a person's writing, as writing is very personal and intimate.
What kind of writing you produce defines your character.
It's really quite interesting and because of that..
She "dug up", most of my unsightly past.. Trying to figure out what kind of a person I am, in an attempt to let me to produce my own, personal style of writing in the future. This will be hard for me due to my "adaptability" as well as "skeptivity" of myself;I often doubt myself and I tend to follow other's perception and views, rather than my own.

Either way, I do not have the time for procrastination, I have to develop my own style of writing fast if I were to excel in literature as A level literature is twice as hard as university literature (According to Sarah), and unfortunately, time constraint is currently my number one enemy.

This song of hope, is once a raging fire..
now like ice.
It breaks.
In this farewell, there's no blood.
There's no alibi.
I've drawn regret from the truth, within a thousand lies.
Let mercy come, wash my sins and
God, be my ally.
As I fight against time.

God, give me hope!!

2009-08-17T20:36:00.004+08:00

Sebas.. stop crying

I REALLY like this song.. even after listening to it so many times. It never fails to touch my heart..

要不是你让想念猖狂打破天窗
我不会发现枕头上的荒凉
以为你就是故乡
却变成我的流浪
谁的傍晚是谁的天亮
十九八七六十六亿人同时狂欢
五四三二一个人倒数孤单
回忆的拥挤广场
假装你还在身旁
就像你最爱依赖我的肩膀

第一行诗的狂妄
第一首歌的难忘
第一次吻你的唇你的倔强
第一颗流星灿烂
第一个天真愿望
第一个诺言美丽的荒唐
你教我爱的善良
你教我恨的野蛮
你教我忘记该忘伤心太伤
那些你教我的事
让思念更苦更长
只想问
想念的
想念的
想念的你
怎么样

爱情是信仰
或只能是旅途风光
那女孩带我漫游一次天堂
你教我怎么爱上
却没教怎么遗忘
让我的阳光
都变成了泪光

2009-08-17T01:23:00.003+08:00

Quotes from Eunice

I have decided to write about Eunice, my interesting classmate (:
*to boost your 'ego' haha*
Eunice aspires to be a journalist, which is really a very noble job.
I really think she has the capability of doing well in her dream job, as she has the ability to write very well, and she can express herself in an extremely unique way which I have never seen anyone else do as well before.

Eunice is also a female vampire that feels 'shy' when complimented.
She seems like she hardly receives praise, its even possible that she's been labelled as totally weird and 'crazy'.
But, I think otherwise.. although she can make totally random comments at times. I think its part of her personality that is really striking and interesting. I think Eunice is one of the smartest girls I have ever met =)
I especially like the way she 'analyses' me (:

"I think you are a simple guy with simple wants, yet complicated.
it's hard to explain. there is something special about you.
it's like you are constantly battling a dark side.
but both sides to me are what make you very special.
and you are a nice guy, honest i think.
and you are easy to feel comfortable around, because you, seem real."

What is "real"?
real means not plastic..
Many people in today's world like to make their lives seem perfect.
Happiness must co exist with sadness before they mean anything.

Eunice, you're right about me.
I don't boast much, I don't want to make my life perfect.
Nobody's perfect, and we shouldn't try to make it perfect..
One who seeks perfection in this world, is probably the saddest person in the world..
Because the very fact lies that happiness must co exist with sadness to have meaning :)

2009-08-16T21:28:00.007+08:00

Learning how to rest is even harding than learning how to mug
Learning how to stop thinking is harder than thinking non-stop

I seem to be having trouble "resting" and trouble "not thinking", which is rather ironic.
Resting is supposed to be easier than racking your brains, killing brain cells to mug.
Apparently, this isn't the case for me..
My brain seems to be 'turned on' for 24 hours.. I can even dream of Economics theories.. which is rather appalling..
Maybe its because I do not know the definition of "rest".
I always thought Resting = slacking/doing nothing/playing games
which leads me to feel guilty when I slack, and leads me to feel that I'm wasting time.
So, to make up for the time I "wasted", I tell myself to do more work instead.
I end up doing more work... and not resting well =(
my poor state of health is evidence of that..

I can't seem to stop thinking of a lot of unnecessary stuff,
I can think about all aspects of life, love, experience, expectations, acceptance, etc..
and I can't seem to stop..
Even a simple quote from Eunice can make me go thinking for so long..

"失恋的挫折让人变更成熟, 所以我才选择做比情人更好的朋友"

Although this theory looks good on paper, it's actually extremely hard to execute. :(
I still struggle with this after so long.. I won't deny it..
but I still miss the old days, where I was really really happy.
Feelings aren't something that will go away easily if you ask it too I guess.. ):

God, teach me how to stop thinking of stuff that only hinders my performance..
Teach me how to get sufficient rest, yet achieve maximum results out of the limited time I have.

I want to be still, and know you are God.
我要安静, 知你是神..
而你是一个帮助人的神.

2009-08-14T00:26:00.002+08:00

Cling unto hope, even if it kills you

Hope is something so frail, yet faith as small as a mustard seed has the power to move mountains. I want to hold unto hope, no matter how bleak or futile it may seem.

With only less than 50 days to the promos, the race against time has started once more.

"If hope is a song, then it's all over-

But if it's played on repeat, it is never over."

I can do it!

I will have to learn how to accept myself, for my strengths and weaknesses..

God, I want this surge of confidence in me to never fade..

I want to cling unto hope, even if it kills me.

*I took the pictures above myself. ahaha xD

so artistic right?? =)*

2009-08-12T22:31:00.003+08:00

Reflections..
I just realised how adaptable I am..

Perhaps it is a gift and a curse.
I always found it strange why I could become so random,
I seem to have the ability to surprise/entertain people easily, be it my 'acting' or my character.
I can adapt easily to situations,
and I progress quickly once I really understand the logic behind it.

It's also my curse as I don't seem to have a fixed personality of my own, a 'true self'.
I can become very capable at one moment, yet become totally useless the next.
I can be very emotionally stable at first, yet suffer from a bipolar disorder later on.
I am so easily molded by what people think of me. I tend to not have any opinion of my own, and I find this fear of rejection so compelling.

After this few days of serious reflecting,
I realised..
I always saw myself as being humble, as I always take in criticism without complain, allowing myself to be trampled.. and easily influenced by how others perceive me to be.
It never occurred to me that it would be false humility..
I thought true humility is cutting yourself down and letting people walk all over you; but I was wrong.
‘Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought,
but rather think of yourself with sober
judgment.’ Romans 12:3

I have seen myself more lowly than I should.
I have mistooken humility for the bad self-image I have created..
I think myself so poorly that I lack confidence, boldness or assertiveness.

I always reject the good comments I receive from other people,
"Sebas, you're a good drummer","Sebas, you're good in Maths"..
Honestly, I never really believed I was good in anything.. Even if I do, that feeling won't last
because my negativitiy will somehow darken out the light in my positive heart..
Sometimes, I even get the feeling that humility is to be humilated..

I finally know that it is wrong.
I have denied the fact that I matter to God..
I once viewed it as 'fashionable' to cut myself down or to minimize my gifts or to keep quiet because I often see my ideas as not worth sharing.
I have lied to myself for so long..
I guess I have yet to accept myself for who I am, which really is the cause for my identity crisis I have facing now..

I need to have an accurate view of myself now, thinking no more and no less than I am.
I want to boast about my weakness and God's sufficiency, God made me 'weak' for a reason.
So that I can be vessel for him to perform miracles on.
Not by my own strength, but by God's grace.

Boasting is the way some people cope with insecurity, many people are easily insecure. We're dying to feel good about ourselves, but pridefully building ourselves up will only cease to destroy us in the end.

God, I want to embrace true humility.
For a servant can only serve its master well with humility.

2009-08-06T19:08:00.003+08:00

Econs crazy

My love for you is like an expansionary fiscal policy, only increasing over time.
The expansionary fiscal policy fills up the deflationary gap, just like how this love fills up the emptiness in my heart. My demand for you is perfectly price inelastic.. and will not change easily.

2009-08-03T20:33:00.001+08:00

I decided not to be emo anymore..
This will be a new start to my life..
My mugging life.
hahahaha
all unwanted emotions blocking my path shall be discarded!!

=.= ...

2009-07-31T17:30:00.004+08:00

My side of the story
by Hodges

A cold wind blows
I am shivering
My body aches
As my heart is breaking
Why is life making me hollow?
Why is happiness casting me in the shadows?
In the shadow..

Hold on, don’t turn and walk away
Save me
And I cried these words
But nobody came

I’m all alone
Running scared
Losing my way in the dark
I tried to get up
Stand on a prayer
But I keep crashing down hard
This is my side of the story
Only My side of the story
Nobody cares
Nobody’s there
No one will hear
My side of the story..

Emptiness is all around me
I try to catch my breath
Barely surving
I can’t go on
I Come undone
There’s nothing left in me..

Hold on
Don’t turn and walk away
Save me
And I cry these words
But nobody came

I’m alone
Running scared
Losing my way in the dark
I tried to get up
Stand on a prayer
But I keep crashing down hard
This is my side of the story
Only my burden to bear
But nobody cares
Nobody’s there
Nobody will hear….

As I hold out
As I fold in
I cry these words..

But nobody came
I’m all alone
Running scared
Losing my way in the dark
I tried to get up
Stand on a prayer
But I keep crashing down hard..

This is my side of the story
Only my side of the story
My side of the story
Only my burden to bear

But nobody cares
Nobody’s there
No one will hear..

My side of the story....

such powerful lyrics.. expressing what I feel totally.. :'(

2009-07-29T22:52:00.005+08:00

I am going mad..

I don't know what hit me, but I am certainly a little out of my mind.

I never expected myself to have the courage to cut such a retarded hairstyle.

As more and more people ask me why I chose such a path, I actually realise that my life is more problematic than I thought. Just like what Shumin said, her heart is filled with walls and her heart is really empty instead. Just like mine.

I have such highly unstable emotions, unnecessary levels of stress.. Impulsive actions.

I have not been my old self lately, taking on a 360° change in my life.

All just so that I can feel that I'm in power, still in control...

Even to the extent of attracting attention..

It may be the inevitable fact that I fear failing that pushes me to do such stuff..

Or maybe the fear to really get to know myself inside deep down.

I'm so afraid of facing cruel reality.. that all I can do is run, acting tough and cool along the way, putting on a facade to deceive others.

When I'm really in dire need of spiritual healing..

There are two "Scars" on my head.

One represents the loneliness and emotional pain I have gone through without anyone's notice.

Another represents the stress and pressure I face daily, in school, in my "Acting", where I pretend that I'm still fine.

When I'm really not.

Hatred brings about an endless cycle of revenge and pain..

Maybe some emotions are better left unnoticed..

Maybe some things are better left unsaid..

Maybe some things were meant to be unsolved and meant to be never figured out..

After all, she's happy

2009-07-21T18:50:00.002+08:00

It's just me against the world

I really screwed my Orals.. Was the hardest passage I've ever read.. The most nerve wrecking one as well. I leave my results to you, God.

Regardless of whatever results I get, praise be with you.

I did this facebook quiz that I was tagged by Kaishan, I thought it's quite interesting and surprisingly accurate, especially the last two points. So I decided to blog it.

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun, people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

Anyways, I should be doing my huge pile of homework rather than wasting precious time doing this.. =X

2009-07-17T21:53:00.003+08:00

I will not give up.. !

Today was a rather depressing day..

Kellett was pissed off.

Our class is officially the worst class in the level.. And He mentioned 5 students labelled as hopeless.

One of them being me who belongs to the

The "triple U" gang,

he said he doesn't even know what to say to us.

And is embarrassed to be our teacher..

He probably thinks I didn't even make any effort to pass his history paper..

When I've studied quite a fair bit.

Even now, his harsh words "You don't even bother to analyse the questions, making careless errors"

His words are still deeply etched in my heart.. I did try..

sigh.. I did.. ...

Anyways, Mrs Teo gave a very simple example of critical analysis during consultation which I think it's quite interesting.

"Linus, wears thick square-framed glasses,

whereas Sebastian, on the other hand, wears half frame specs.

What it may mean is, Linus seeks for security and stability and likes to have rules around his life. While Sebastian, doesn't liked to be locked-in, and enjoys a taste of danger once in a while. "

I know my part is true. I don't like pressure, stress and being tied down..

It's impossible to avoid stress but still,

I won't give up!

I believe in God, in miracles.

I WILL PROMOTE!!

2009-07-16T20:40:00.004+08:00

Disappointed..

my MYE results are really disappointing and depressing..

E lit : U

Hist : U

Econs : U

Maths : A

General Paper: D

like wow, straight Us.. all H2 subjects somemore.. Now I'm really suspecting I'm in the wrong stream.. maybe I'm more suited for Science Stream.. =(

God, I don't want to retain.. ..

2009-07-13T17:39:00.002+08:00

I want to be free

I've been feeling so down recently. I can't seem to control my emotions and I don't understand myself anymore..

The past memories just seem to start flowing back into my mind uncontrollably,

and I feel so lousy.

I have lost my identity again, once more.

However, God spoke to me on Youth Sunday..

"To find ourselves is to lose ourselves."

I may be under spritual attacks but I will stay strong and fall no more.

I will find myself back again.

I want to be free

自由地飞

在爱中无惧怕

在爱中无伤悲

I want to be free

不再流泪

Because I believe

That heaven is here

我有天堂在我的心

I want to grow!

So that I can soar like an eagle one day,

and be truely free :D

2009-07-06T22:02:00.003+08:00

Forgiveness

It's still there.. I can't control it.. ...
help..
Forgive me..

There is not a single day where I don't think of....